2010.02.14
Shinybait would like to wish our readers a Happy Valentine's Day. We love the both of you.
2010.02.07
I've had it with Hollywood. These guys are so 20th Century. Remakes and remakes and remakes of remakes. How about something new for a change? I don't wanna see a remake of 'Gone With The Wind'. I don't wanna watch a remake of 'Armageddon'. But I will just have to see a remake of 'Gone With The Wind' AND 'Armageddon'. Let's see a remash, already.
This week Shinybait offers a (crudely rendered) storyboard that you, Hollywood, can use free of charge (except for maybe the copyright lawsuits) to get those creative juices flowing. Do it!!! And ROLL FILM.....
Roll credits. This stuff is PURE GOLD. There are endless titles you can remash, and if you jump on it now, we can have some by summer.
2010.01.31
At a town hall meeting on Thursday in South Carolina (State Motto: What was I thinking?), the lieutenant governor, Andre Bauer, made this comment on government assistance to the poor:
"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed! You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that."
Now some people considered that a bit insensitive. But it could have been worse. He could have said "I blame yo' momma. If she didn't teach you to eat, you wouldn't have got the habit, and you wouldn't be needin' no food stamps now." Or "This isn't a cutback in unemployment benefits, it's the latest diet." Or "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll probably end up pillaging a fragile ecosystem. So forget the fish, slacker, and go get a job and stop staying at home spawning more mouths for the school lunch program to feed."
And he might have spouted any of a number of corollaries, like : "Don't feed the Liberals. You'll just encourage them.", or "Eat the Democrats and cull the herd. There's too damn many of them anyway."
But he didn't. Instead he showed remarkable restraint, and proved that he recognizes that there is an underclass in the country. He just misdiagnosed the problem. Which should at least earn him the VP slot on the Palin ticket in the next election.
2010.01.24
And speaking of a real load, now that the Democrats have totally hosed up health care reform, you probably can't wait to see the 'pared down' version that they're working on. Well, Shinybait snuck into Capital Hill last week and stole a draft version, and here it is:
They can probably trim some fat out of it yet, so don't get your hopes up.
2010.01.17
I get rollover minutes for my cell phone.
With all the geniuses around, why can't I get rollover minutes for life. Who wouldn't want a plan where you can take all the time you've wasted each month standing in line, sitting in traffic, bashing your head against the wall, running in circles, jumping to conclusions, lying down on the job, waiting for customer service, and beating a hasty retreat and roll all that time over into the next month.
My bet is I could live well into the next century if I play my cards right.
2010.01.10
This week a 513 pound blue fin tuna was sold at a Tokyo market for $177,000. That a lot of fish. And a lot of money. My guess is that the mercury was no extra charge. Now all that's left to do is to get a 1/4 ton of rice and seaweed and a few gallons of wasabi and we're ready to roll.
Wow. All this talk about food has made me a little peckish, so it's time to go raid the fridge. See you next week.
2010.01.03
Today the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) announced new airport security rules in the wake of the bombing attempt of Northwest flight 253.
In that attempt, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was carrying PETN -- pentaerythritol tetranitrate -- sewed into his underpants in an improvised bomb. Richard "the shoe bomber" Reid used the same substance in his 2001 attempt.
Beginning on Monday, 1/5/2010, in addition to removing their shoes for screening, all domestic and international passengers will be required to remove their underpants. Said garments will be screened by bomb sniffing dogs before the passenger can enter the terminal.
The TSA acknowledges that this might possibly present a slight inconvenience, but sincerely hopes that the travelling public will eventually accept undie screenings in the same way that shoe screenings are now accepted.
On the lighter side, we won't need to worry about people staring at the holes in our socks anymore, and we can always blame the whole thing on the would be martyr that will be forever remembered as the "undie bomber."
2009.12.27
Wow. It's not just the end of the year, it's the end of the decade. And it seems like just yesterday that it was the end of the century and everybody was all like Y2K and stuff.
And not only that, this is the last real chance to party until May 31st (unless you're one of those people that gets arrested on Valentine's Day).
So let's get out there and party. Create some history. A story to tell the children and grandchildren when they grow up.
And have a healthy and prosperous New Year.
2009.12.20
A big Shinybait shout out this Holiday Season to the Armed Forces currently deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan, Japan, Germany, Korea, Italy, the United Kingdom, and about 30 other countries in Europe, East Asia, the Pacific, North Africa, the Near East, South Asia, sub-Saharan Africa, and elsewhere.
To you all -- Thanks. And hopes for Peace On Earth
And you? What are you doing sitting there reading this? Go call a friend. Visit with family. Share a cup of cheer. It's Christmas, fer cry eye...
Go.
Shoo.
2009.12.13
Christmas is coming. Can't ya just feel it?
The lack of time for preparation? The endless cards to be sent? A menu to be written? The decorations yet to be placed? The sheer terror of picking the wrong gift? Or worse yet, forgetting someone? At the mall?
So if yer expecting a post today, you can just forget it. Oh sure. I know you're all like gimme gimme gimme, but I gotta get my ass to the mall to get YOUR gift.
So see ya next week.
2009.12.06
There's just too much electronic communication going on today that I just don't want to know about.
Some guy actually felt compelled to update his Twitter and Facebook accounts while he was getting married. Right there at the altar. Like anyone who really GAS wasn't already aware of WTF was going on. I sincerely hope that his thumbs were to busy to post anything later that night. And I'm not sure I wanna know.
AP/MTV polled 14 to 24 year olds and found out that 18% of them received naked pictures that someone sent of themselves. I hope the police go out and get the guy that keeps sending all those pictures. I'll bet he lives in New Jersey.
And there's an orangutan in the Vienna Zoo that posts pictures of herself on her Facebook page. I post pictures of myself on my Facebook page too. So besides a big chunk of genetic code, I now have 2 other things in common with apes. To be fair, she has an incentive. She gets a raisin every time she takes a picture for posting. I'm just narcissistic.
2009.11.29
And now it's time for Sam (the Shinybait Answer Man) to field your questions about the season:
Q - Is the NFL season still going on?
A - In some cities, yes. Where I live, it ended weeks ago.
Q - How can I assure that the turkey I serve on Christmas will be the finest?
A - Don't do what you did on Thanksgiving. This time hire a professional to prepare it.
Q - Every year Christmas decorations go up earlier. This year I saw them up before Halloween, fer cry eye. Is that a good thing?
A - Absolutely. If they move the start date up far enough, I'll never have to take my decorations down.
Q - Are there going to be any good Christmas specials on TV this year?
A - Are there ever?
Q - What would you like for Christmas?
A - A red Lamborghini Murcielago with the Titanium Fiber interior package and yellow brake calipers. You can contact me here to set up the delivery arrangements. Or you can get me socks. I always need socks.
2009.11.22
Your Horrorscope:
Aires - March 21 to April 20
Today is a 1. Your acne will eventually clear, but not until after multiple dermabrasion treatments. This would be a good day to stay in bed.
Taurus - April 21 to May 21
Today is a 5. If you think your cereal was soggy today, wait until you see your weekly 401k results. Spend your Sunday hiding under the covers.
Gemini - May 22 to June 21
Today is a 10. Your stock options are maturing and retirement is now in your grasp. Too bad you haven't taken very good care of yourself. Stay in bed and try to rest.
Cancer - June 22 to July 23
Today is a 6. You need a break in your routine to keep you fresh. Tell everyone you're creating a new film paradigm, but watch TV in bed instead.
Leo - July 24 to August 23
Today is a 3. The sun will rise today, but not in your time zone. A good day to nap.
Virgo - August 24 to September 23
Today is an 8. You're feeling frisky, and with good reason; the moon is in your house. So keep it company and stay home.
Libra - September 24 to October 23
Today is a 6. Looking to the future can be scary, but there are opportunities ripe for the plucking. Do that tomorrow. Take a nap today.
Scorpio - October 24 to November 22
Today is a 2. Your significant other will probably be laughing at the bags under your eyes. A good day to stay in bed.
Sagittarius - November 23 to December 21
Today is a 7. Have breakfast, turn on the TV, and surf the web. The hell with the chores. The dirt will still be there tomorrow.
Capricorn - December 22 to January 20
Today is a 4. If you got out of bed, that was your first mistake of the day. Rectify it now, and crawl back in.
Aquarius - January 21 to February 19
Today is a 4. You're looking half your age, which is older than most of your neighbors. This is a great day to rest.
Pisces - February 20 to March 20
Today is a 10. You will come to realize that the voices in your head belong to other people. Take their advice and eat crackers in bed all day.
2009.11.15
Yesterday was the third Saturday of yard work. In a row. Since I have the last maple in the neighborhood with leaves still on it. That tree drops a boatload of leaves every week, and keeps some in reserve just to annoy me the following week.
Yesterday when the sun went down I went inside leaving a pristine lawn outside. This morning I awoke to another boatload of leaves. And that maple still has more in reserve.
I wish that tree wouldn't do that. In fact, I think I'll go outside right now and axe it not to do that anymore. With a Double-Bit Michigan on a hickory handle.
2009.11.08
Go Daddy hosts this website. They're good folks and do a nice job. And they give me some freebies, too. Like a Search Query Report which 'shows the queries that your sites visitors have sent to search engines to find your site'. So I checked it out to see how folks misdirected themselves here.
Most of the searches were obvious, like 'shiny bait' and 'the secret of life'. Some were surprising, like 'ixnay on the ohay' (ok - I did write that. See comic #42) and 'dominatrix mistress hildegarde new york' (I forgot about that one too. See my post of 04/05/09. But I thought I made Hildegarde up, and that's just scary).
But my favorite is 'ok where can i order mine? i'm dying to wear one to wal mart and the social security office this shirt should be a hoot at the post office also i'll bet if we put our heads together we can come up with a great list of fun places to wear this shirt and stir up all kinds of discontent'. I didn't make that up. I'm not that clever. And you can't find that shirt here, either. I think.
I'm not sure what to do with all this query information. But I am hoping that the Mistress Hildegarde isn't angry with me. No fooling. Sorry, MH. Really.
And now I have to go find that shirt. So I'm off to Walmart. See you next week.
2009.11.01
Thursday was the birthday of the internet. 40 years ago, on 10/29/69, probably while I was sleeping in Latin class, the first message was sent over the ARPANET. To celebrate this, I pulled out my COBOL compiler and wrote a 'Hello World' program. That took a day and half. I hate that damned JCL ...
So now that there IS an internet, I can have this here web page. But I'm finding this weekly post thing a little limiting. So I think I'm gonna get me one of those new cameras that can record every minute of my life and start posting my lifelog for your enjoyment. My entire life right here for your viewing pleasure. I figure you're just gonna love it. 1) It will give you something to look at during the idle hours. Or idle months for that matter. And B) the sleep sections will no doubt be riveting. I'm the best sleeper you're ever going to see.
I don't know What I would ever do without the internet. I mean, besides sleep in on Sundays.
2009.10.18
For those of you born before the Eisenhower Administration, I hope this week's comic brought a grin. And while the 20 Mule Team may not be on the old Philco anymore, it still rides on the internets! Get on board here.
And for those of you born after the Truman Administration, my apologies. This week's comic may seem arcane, but you can discover what the team is all about here. And when we old-timers snicker over the Reagan Administration (which was probably about the time you were born), you can take a peek over here and see why.
They don't make 'em like that anymore. And you can tell 'em that the Old Ranger sez so.
2009.10.18
Michael Jackson sightings this week: 0.
Honorable mentions: 2.
1) MJ releases a new single, 'This Is It'. I doubt it. There's probably months worth of digital material stored somewheres that will dribble out over the next few years. Most of it not his material. Which makes it even more fun.
2) Abbie Drinkwater's ultrasound of her baby has an apparition of MJ captured in it. She didn't say how many months it would be until it is delivered. Or if Paul Anka was involved.
Upcoming Events: The MJ 'Tweance' , which will be an attempt to contact MJ online wherever he may be. I know that the internets are pervasive, but I wonder what the baud rate is in the afterlife. I'll bet heaven has broadband wifi. And hell has dialup.
Exclusive: I wish the Tweance people luck, but Shinybait has the drop on them. We contacted MJ via cell phone (land line would be just silly, wouldn't it?) this week and were granted a short interview. Here it is:
SB: What do you make of your increased popularity at this point in your career?
MJ:
SB: But isn't it at least a bit surprising, as your availability for a promotional tour is in question?
MJ:
SB: True. That would have been a heck of a show. So are you planning a release party for your new video?
MJ:
SB: Ha ha ha. I didn't think that Elvis would even be interested. Much less play the accordion.
MJ:
SB: Good luck on your new release.
2009.10.11
Michael Jackson Sightings to Date: 0.
Be patient.
Thanks to the Growling Raven for the IM typo that is the crux of this week's comic.
Other than that, I got nothin' except for a long list of chores.
So see you next week.
2009.10.04
My favorite pizza joint went out of business this summer. It broke my heart. I've been going there every Saturday night for years and years and years for a thin crust and a salad to munch on whilst I watch my rented movie. And when you lose your favorite anything, you are stuck in the unenviable position of finding another favorite. Somewhere. Hopefully.
And when it comes to pizza in Chicagoland, you can barely travel 3 feet in any direction without stumbling over another pizza joint. So finding a replacement should be easy. Except we in Chicago are picky about our pizza. Deep dish, stuffed, thick crust, or thin crust. Sauces are varied and tricky. And don't get me started on toppings.
Well after many months of hunting around and sampling most of the local wares, I found just the place. It's owned by Russians. Now I never would have thought that Russians would know the first thing about pizza. I mean, come on, would you ask Luigi to make you some borscht or pelmeni? But there it is. For peak-up or dee-liv-er-ee. And damn good too. So it's Sergey's дом пиццы from now on.
Now where'd I leave that Netflix DVD?
2009.09.27
Lately I'm getting blind-sided by the Next Big Thing (NBT). It might be age, but I just don't know who these people are. They pop up overnight. Like mushrooms. And last about as long too.
The last NBT was Lady Gaga. I had to look her up as I had no clue who she was. And just a few weeks later, she's nowhere to be found. Because there's a new NBT now. Megan Fox.
Last week, the only 2-word-combo I encountered more than "Megan Fox" was "swine flu" (those two being way out in front of "Public Option", "Eye Ran", and "Oh Bama"). She's being mentioned on radio and TV. She's on the cover of Rolling Stone. She's hosting Saturday Night Live. She's everywhere.
And I still don't know who she is or what she does. In some perverse way, I'm proud of that. I'm out of touch. Off the grid. Living by my wits. A true independent. A rebel.
And I'm not looking this latest NBT up, either. No way. This time I want to see how long I can last before someone enlightens me. My hope here is that she'll be replaced by a new NBT before I do find out and I can skip this exercise altogether. Or maybe she'll drop by the house and introduce herself. Both are equally likely.
2009.09.20
Last week I had my driveway sealcoated and my lawn fed and aerated. I had it done. By professionals. Which beats my normally shoddy work by a longshot. And it's a lot easier too.
Now paying for this was no big deal. Even for a tightwad like myself. But my son (yes, my own flesh and blood) accused me of turning into a Yuppie. I was shocked.
Look. a Yuppie is a Young Urban Professional. I'm not young. And I'm suburban, not urban. And I'm definately not a professional. Ask any sealcoater.
So this set me trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am. And I figured it out. I'm an OOPSIE. Old. Overweight. Pre-dementia. And slow.
And I'm good with that. In fact, I'm proud of it. I worked hard for it over many years and I'm finally there. And I plan on celebrating my birthday tomorrow by figuring out just what chore I'm going to hire out next. Maybe trimming those annoying nose hairs. I wonder who does that kind of work.
And what it costs.
2009.09.13
I love America. We got TV. And food. And lots of both. And now thanks to basic cable, not only can I sit in front of my TV and eat food, but I can watch people preparing food while I do. And then I can wonder how I got so fat.
But no matter. The Food Network has grabbed my interest and just won't let go. They got Emeril Lagasse. They got Bobby Flay and Rachel Ray. And Wolfgang Puck and l'orange duck. They even got Brian Boitano. They got Ace of Cakes and Chopped and Top Chef and Iron Chef and even Iron Chef America. And boy can those people cook stuff. All kinds of stuff. They cook snails and capers and watercress and gravlax and parsnips and quail and fontina and mussels and goat cheese and arugula and pomegranates and I don't know what else. Things that I wouldn't even recognize as food even if I saw them in the aisles at the Jewel.
Now I gotta admit, I ain't gonna try making most of this stuff. I'm not sure it would taste good even if I happened to make it correctly. But all this talking about food has made me hungry again. So excuse me whilst I waddle over to the kitchen and whip something up to munch on. Maybe I'll try that recipe for Chicken Madone with Rigoletto served in a scusi and caper reduction and sprinked with erbaccia. Or maybe a hot dog.
Yep. Think I'll go with the hot dog. And then see what's on the TV.
Michael Jackson Sightings to Date: 0
But an honorable mention goes out to the purchaser of Jackson's crystal encrusted white glove at auction for $49,000. Personally, I'm waiting for the hat.
2009.09.06
Ok. It's inevitable. You know it's gonna happen sooner or later, and once somebody starts, it's just gonna keep rolling and rolling and it ain't never gonna stop. So today Shinybait introduces a new ticker service to help our readers keep track of the hotest phenomenon that hasn't happened yet:
Michael Jackson Sightings to Date: 0
Stay tuned for weekly updates. And yeah sure it's zero now and that ain't too exciting, but it's early yet.
2009.08.30
And an Age comes to an end.
Massachusetts elected him, but he was everyone's Senator.
Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy
February 22, 1932 - August 25, 2009
2009.08.23
"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care." - Sarah Palin
I love this health care debate thingy. It has uncovered the 'death panels' forming in the halls of the Public Option Insurance Company, and shown us that socialized medicine will wreck our perfectly good health care system. After all, aren't most people happy with the health care they have? So why try to fix what ain't broke?
Well, the World Health Organization's last health care quality ranking by country in 2000 puts us at #37. Behind Columbia, Morocco, Chile and Costa Rica (WHOO HOOO...USA...USA...WE'RE NUMBER...37?...). OK, so that one is kind of old. But The Commonwealth Fund ran study in 2007 comparing USA health care to the UK, Germany, Australia, Canada, and New Zealand. We came in dead last on quality, access, efficiency, equity, and healthy lives. But on the bright side, we did blow everybody right out of the water on per capita spending for care. At least double the others. GO USA! We're still number one at SOMETHING.
So after all this sound an fury, I'm finding out that what we Americans have is probably not the best, but it does cost at least twice as much as all the others. And what's the problem with that? Someone has to make a couple of bucks here. And we certainly don't want to stop that gravy train with some 'public option' nonsense. That will only lead to horrors like Universal Care. And we know where that leads. Just ask the UK, Germany, Australia, Canada, and New Zealand. Or Costa Rica. They all have Universal Care.
And look where that got them.
2009.08.16
Just as our friend the robin is a sure sign that summer is approaching, last night I saw a sure sign that autumn is closing in: another Chicago Bears quarterback threw an interception. Soon the days will be shorter, and the nights darker. The leaves will fall, and with them, our hopes.
If I were like the robin, I'd be thinking of heading south to better weather and finer days. But I'm more like the squirrel. I'm thinking about hiding and protecting my nuts for the bleak season ahead.
2009.08.9
I've never been so tired in my life. I'm so tired that I actually looked up 'tired' to see if that describes what I got. Well, there's dog tired. And bone tired. And dead tired. And plum tuckered out. So I'm thinking I'm more tired than a bone tired dog that ate a tuckered out plum and died.
And that's why I've got no post this week.
See ya next week. After a few naps.
2009.08.2
I can't believe that it's August already and I still haven't had any fun this summer. I gotta get myself to South Carolina. That's where all the fun is. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's so much fun about The Palmetto State?
Well as you recall, last month the governor, Mark Sanford [1], left the state for a week to see his girlfriend in Argentina. Since then the whole state has exploded with frivolity. Why look at what happened just last week:
$5 million worth of marijuana was seized (serious partying going on there [2]).
Tracy Nadine Ellenburg was arrested in Pickens County for riding a stolen horse while drunk. Claiming "she wasn't drunk, the horse was."(again, serious partying go on either way [3]).
Rodell Vereen, on probation for buggery with a horse was arrested again. With the same horse. (no comment [4] ).
And all in one week too. We don't get that much fun in my state over half a year.
If you live on the streets of New York City, you could get to fun land for free. See, last week NYC started a new program to clean up their homeless problem. They're buying one way plane tickets for homeless families to fly to South Carolina [5] .
Well there won't be a free ticket for me. So I'm packing the Oldsmobile and heading out tonite. See you next week.
...a special shinybait shoutout goes to the growling raven for riffing along on the last two comics.
2009.07.26
Lately I've been eating artisan breads.
The first time I heard the term 'Artisan Bread', I thought of the 4th grade bully, Billy Artisan. So I thought it was the stuff his dad Ralph used to make at the Wonder Bread* factory over on Santa Fe in Hodgkins. See, back when Ralph was punching in his 40 hours and Billy was punching kids for lunch money, there were two kinds of bread. You bought one kind from the local bakery and the other kind you bought from The Jewel**. The bakery bread was made by the fat guy who lived above the shop and got up at ungodly-o'clock in the morning to start working dough and stoking the ovens. The other bread was made by Ralph at the factory and wrapped in plastic. I liked them both, but the factory bread didn't go stale so quick***.
But now I know the real difference. My doctor told me. All about additives and chemicals and choleserol and fiber and all that stuff that Ralph Artisan didn't give a shit about. And Doc urged me to eat the artisan variety (as well as to eat less and excercise and quit smoking and cut down on the booze and other things that ain't anywhere near as easy as eating artisan bread).
And the cooking shows and magazines and connoisseurs told me I should buy it too. Since artisan bread is 'crafted' and not factory-made. With real ingredients and without additives and chemicals and plastic like the factory breads. With a distinctive flavor, and a crisp crust, and an earthy-yeasty nose, and a superior texture. Naturally I assumed it would go stale the day I bought it. And ya know what? It did.
Now does eating all this artisan bread make me healtier? Geez, I don't know. But I do eat a lot of it quick, because it's gonna go bad fast. And I sure look do look like the conny-sewer eatin' that stuff too now, don't I?
Besides, I can buy it at The Jewel.
* Wander over sometime to the Wonder Bread website. There on the 'Products' page they have a 'Wonder Buns' tab you can click. It's not as much fun as it you might think, but it sure is fun to imagine what you might find there.
** Ask someone of a certain age from one of the old neighborhoods in the Chicago area why they call their local Jewel-Osco supermarket 'The Jewel'. They probably don't know. But I do. See, back in the day (after the advent of refrigeration and before Clarence Birdseye started selling frozen peas), the supermarkets all called themselves 'Tea Companies'. There was 'The Jewel Tea Company', and 'The National Tea Company', and 'The Great Atlantic And Pacific Tea Company'. But those names were just too much to say for the guy scratching his ass while waiting for a bus. Heck, he couldn't even say 'ciabatta'. So folk shortened them names. To 'The Jewel' and 'The National' and 'The A&P'. It's true****.
You should also ask this person to pronounce 'sausage'. Just for fun.
*** In fact, I still have a perfectly preserved slice of Wonder Bread from 1957 in my attic. Well, it isn't my attic anymore, but if we ask the folks currently living in that house, they might let us see it. Assuming they didn't know it was there. Otherwise all bets are off.
**** But unfortunately an over-simplification. Actually, Jewel was founded in Chicago 1899 and renamed The Jewel Tea Company in 1929. In 1932 The Jewel Tea Company purchased the local stores from Loblaw Groceterias, Inc. and renamed them Jewel Food Stores. Jewel Food Stores merged with the Jewel Tea Company in 1934. Osco was aquired in 1961. American Stores bought Jewel Food Stores in 1984. Albertsons bought American Stores in 1999. In 2006 Jewel-Osco and Jewel Food Stores were sold by Albertsons to SuperValu. So why don't we call it 'The SuperValu'? It would be wise not to ask.
2009.07.19
I like the Chinese. I like their history. I like their art. I love their food. But I'm not so sure about their mental health care.
This week the Ministry of Health [1] decided that there's no evidence that electroshock therapy can cure internet addition. And they ordered the hospital that had already zapped 3,000 youths to cut it out. Phew. Not a moment too soon.
Psychologists there say that the symptoms of the addiction are 1) spending more than 6 hours a day online, 2) playing games and surfing porn rather than working or studying, and 3) getting angry when you can't get on line. Hmmmmm... I may be guilty of one or two of those. And to be honest, I bet you might be too. Well, I'm not be proud of it either, but turns out that it isn't shocking behavior. At least in China.
2009.07.12
It's time for everybody to take a deep a breath and slow down for a bit. If we're not careful, this Michael Jackson thing could turn into another Elvis thing. We're almost there now. There's a Graceland and a Neverland. We have millions morning an elderly pop star who killed himself with medication. The next thing you know, Las Vegas will be flooded with Michael impersonators. And then we'll get the sightings - Michael seen at a Michigan Burger King - Jackson spotted at Nevada Texaco. So let's calm down and stop it now. I don't care if your favorite flavor of pop star is the white guy trying to be black or the black guy trying to be white. One annual pilgrimage to some ancient icon's overdone home is enough.
2009.07.05
Ah, Sarah, we barely knew ye. And now you are leaving us. Oh, we know you have your reasons, and we will honor them. But we will miss you mightily just the same.
We'll miss the bright red lipstick and high heeled shoes. The frameless glasses. The perky little smile and wink, all smothered in those cute small-town mannerisms.
And we'll miss the family; Trig, History, and PhysEd. Even that hussy Bristol. And your husband too; good old what's his name. Oh yes, we'll miss it all, you betcha.
May you rise again; a phoenix from the flames. As a Community Organizer. Or a Presidential Candidate. Or perhaps you're looking to get into one of those Conservative Think Tanks. If you do, we all hope that Think Tank has a life guard. We'd hate to see you drown.
2009.06.28
I just can't get enough of market analysis. It's like potato chips. I want more and more and more, and then I don't feel so good.
I'm told that mainstream media is dying and we'll soon get our news from tweets and live-blogs, and the blogosphere will deliver the analysis. No more need for crusty hard-drinking investigative journalists or curmudgeonly old editors with cigars. Well get all our market results from #easymoney and the breakdown from pennystocksblog.net? Great information on how to invest those few pennies left in your 401k, right?
Or maybe another approach is apropos. Just look. Every day we get headlines like these:
Wall Street flat as Boeing offset by bargain hunting
Stocks waver as investors await Fed statement
Really? Is that right? Is that the reason? Investors are just sitting there waffling and wavering while waiting for the Fed? And then what? The Fed speaks and investors will -- what? Reading the article doesn't really explain things either.
Maybe these guys are making all this shit up. And maybe we can do it just as well. From now on I'm using this handy little headline generator:
market + movement + any news story = market headline
You can use it to generate nifty little tweetable snippets like these:
Investors skittish as Eastman Kodak retires Kodachrome
DOW plummets as Jon and Kate divorce
Markets flat on news of Ed McMahon's death
Wall Street cautious as Roddick and Safina advance at Wimbledon
Stocks soar As Mark Sanford disappears, bangs Argentine
Will this help us make wise investment decisions and improve our portfolios? Maybe not. But after the last year's results, I'm thinking it's at least worth a try.
2009.06.21
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
No post today. I'm taking the day off to celebrate.
See you next week.
2009.06.14
Foreclosure. The news is everywhere. And affecting people of all walks of like. Even Ed McMahon. [1] Used to be you could see the Edster every night on TV. Now that he's being forclosed on, I'm not sure where you'll see him next. But here's a word of advice. If he shows up at your door with a Publisher's Clearing House crew and an oversized check, beware. He's probably there to move in.
2009.06.07
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
This week Tennessee joined 37 other states and passed a law to allow handguns in bars. [1] Now there's a great idea. Here's a better one; guns in church.
First there was the shooting of Doctor George Tiller in the Reformation Lutheran Church in Wichita. And coming right up on the twenty seventh, pastor Ken Pagano of the New Bethel Church in Kentucky will host a "bring your guns to church day." [2] You get to wear your gun right there in church. And there's a handgun raffle, too. Hot damn.
This is an awesome trend that's spreading fast. So Shinybait is getting on board now with an new initiative, "Glocks for God". I can't think of anything that exemplifies the teachings of Christ more than a warm gun. So drop us an email if you're interested in signing up for our monthy G4G newsletter. There's a Bullet Bingo night in the planning too. Don't miss it.
Onward, Christian Soldiers.
2009.05.31
I'm a Celebrity... Get Me out of Here!
Costa Rica, here they come. Reality Television will never be the same. The final contestant list is in, and here's what they have to say:
Patricia Blagojevich - 'Yep. I'll do anything to get away from Rod.'
Steve Wozniak - 'That Dancing With the Starts gig just didn't generate enough cash. I need a new revenue stream.'
Michelle Obama - 'I just can't take the press commenting on everything I wear anymore. I want to be free to put on Hefty Bag and walk around in it if I want to.'
Roland Burris - 'I didn't pay for my Senate seat and I didn't pay to get on this show.'
Nadya Suleman - 'They agreed to take care of my kids.'
2009.05.24
That damned totalitarian socialist gummint of ours has my Hanes undies in a bundle now. My newsource of choice, Businessweek, reports that this summer the FTC is going to issue new guidelines requiring bloggers (and not just those using a Mac) to disclose when they're being compensated by an advertiser to discuss a product. Like, for instance, Cheerios. Or Baby Ruth Candy bars. Well it's nunna thier damned business what I discuss or what kind of compenstation I get. I'm seeing red and dropping Visine like crazy over this attempt to limit my freedom of speech.
So let's all take out our Parker Pens and premium Neenah paper and write our congresspersons. Let them know that this will not stand.
Thanks. And when you're done you can head out to the kitchen for a nice cup of Lipton tea. Or a Smirnoff. And pick up a copy of Elizabeth Edwards' new book, "The Audacity of Grope," and relax for while. You've earned it.
And so have I.
2009.05.17
What's a woman to do? This week we found out.
Donald Trump, that paragon of virtue, decided that Miss California USA could keep her crown despite the nude photos and implants. And she can wear it to Washington too, where she will lobby against gay marriage. I hope she's able to keep up a good front for that effort. [1] [2]
And the nation's most famous unwed teenage mother, Bristol Palin, graduated high school. What will she do now? Why go to New York and work for the Candie's Foundation to fight teen pregnancy. And just how does that fight get fought? With abstinence, silly. A fine example she'll make too. [3] [4]
But what if they fail? Not that they will. I have faith. But what if? You need a contingency plan. You've got to play to your strengths. So they may want to consider the Lingerie Football League (LFL). Tryouts for the ten teams are going on right now, so they will probably not be able to make this season. But next year? Who knows? [5]
I certainly don't. And I don't get it, either.
2009.05.10
I don't have a post this week. I've been feeling lousy. Maybe I've got that influenza A (H1N1) swine flu virus or something. My back hurts. My vision is blurry. I can't concentrate, much less remember anything. My knees are killing me. I've got gas. I have no energy and tire easily. I'm up every few hours at night.
Hang on a minute. Here comes my wife. Let me see what she thinks I have.
She says I'm older than dirt and wants to know just how the hell do I expect to feel at this age. Well. Now I have no post and no excuse either. Sorry. Guess I'll just go take a nap. You go have a happy Mother's Day.
2009.05.03
BECAUSE THE NETWORK 24/7 SWINE FLU COVERAGE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH
When asked how Minnesota is dealing with the recent Swine Flu outbreak, Senator Vacant responded by saying, " ".
The World Health Organizaiton (WHO) has identified Patient Zero, the person with the original Swine Flu case. Billy Joe "Pigkisser" Hatfield of Caledonia, Ohio admits to having symptoms as far back as September of last year. Last month he visited his cousin Bobby Joe in South Woodbury, and Bobby Joe shortly thereafter flew to Mexico City for a vacation and a tattoo. WHO is reviewing the client list of the Muy Caliente Tattoo Emporium hoping to trace the spread of the epidemic.
WHO has decided to stop calling this virus "Swine Flu" and will call it "H1N1 influenza A" instead. The efficacy of this remarkable move remains to be seen, but it strikes me as little more than putting lipstick on a ... well, you know.
Shinybait has received tens of emails asking, "What should I do to protect myself?" Here's a few tips:
1) Wear a hat.
2) Avoid bacon. Especially if it is still walking around.
3) If you must ride the subway, wash your back and neck thoroughly and often. That should take care of any risks from exposure to that guy that always sits behind you and is always coughing and snorting and blowing his nose.
d) Eat plenty of sugar. It gives your body the energy to fight off the virus.
5) Avoid children and schools. Both are known hotbeds of disease.
6) When entering a room, always walk in backwards. This disperses any airborne pathogens and reduces the risks from breathing the fetid air that has been trapped in that enclosed space since god knows when.
7) Wear at least 2 pairs of clean socks at all times. Preferably on your feet.
8) Keep your house temperature below 38 degrees.
9) Wear one of those blue surgical masks when in public. It probably won't help, but damn, those things are cute. And you're not.
Until next week, remember:
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." Samuel Langhorne Clemens
2009.04.26
I've spent a good deal of time this week puzzling over the most recent firestorm raging on TV squawk shows and in the Halls of Congress. There's a simple solution to the issue. Here's what I came up with:
Torture is bad. Always. Didn't we learn that in the 16th Century? Don't do it. Ever.
Bush and Cheney are gone. Their posse is too. We could easily spend the next 8 years pointing fingers, naming names, and laying blame. But the news coverage for that witch hunt might just qualify as torture. Forget about them. Move on.
This week I'll be addressing the pending Chrysler bankruptcy and see what solution I can come up with there. After all, who would want to go to New York to see the Fiat Building?
2009.04.19
Octomom. There. I've said it. And I regret it already.
Sure it was fun at first. And we all got a good laugh at a welfare divorcee with 6 kids who decides she really really needs 8 more kids and finds a doctor who agrees. Shocking? Stoopid? A flash-in-the-pan news story that will fade into oblivion? Yes, yes, and no.
This week the newswires just had to cover two more stories about Nadya Suleman; 1) She's going to trademark "Octomom" and brand a line of baby merchandise with it, and B) she's going to have a reality TV show. Now doesn't that sound like the perfect way to spend an hour on Wednesday night? Comfortably ensconced in front of the TV watching an ex-psychiatric tech with a B.S. in child and adolescent development living off government hand-outs and herding her snotty-nosed screaming brood? We'll all be praying for a commercial break to come, and when it does, wa-lah, it's Octomom Disposable Diapers!
Enough already. Even her dad can't take it. He's usually hiding at work. In Iraq. And if we get that TV show and product line, that's probably where I'm heading too. I hear that nowadays the job opportunities there are better than they are here. And anyway, the culture is richer. If you decide to join me, let me know. We may be able to get group travel rates.
2009.04.12
Twitter is hot, but older folks are slow to take to it. What with the constant updates about where you are and what you're eating and who you're with what you're wearing. I mean, who cares? And by the time gramps gets thru typing 140 characters on his phone it'll be Wednesday. But still, it would be nice for the elderly to tell the few people they still have contact with what's on their minds at any given time before they forget.
So today, Shinybait is announcing the newest, hottest, social networking and micro-blogging service yet - Bitter. Bitter is targeted specifically to the over-50 set, and totally free. Each message is called a 'bleep'. And each bleep is limited to 40 characters, so you don't hurt your bleeping arthritic thumbs with all that typing, or take 4 hours trying to bleep someone. But wait, there's more! As an extra added bonus, there's hotkeys for common phrases, so you may never have to spell out anything at all. Just punch a number on your phone keypad, and your message is off:
1 - You kids stay off of my lawn.
2 - I'm taking a nap.
3 - Where's my glasses?
4 - Things were different back in my day.
6 - My feet are killing me.
5 - I'm trying to poop.
7 - You never call.
8 - What did he say?
9 - I've fallen and I can't get up.
0 - speak directly to an operator.
We're still in the planning stages here, so if you're a venture capitalist trying to figure out what to do with $55 million or so that you may have lying around, this is your golden opportunity. Please email us at ground-floor. We'll forward along an account number that you can wire those funds to. And in return you'll get a genuine certificate of ownership for 49% of Bitter. Do it today. Before you forget.
2009.04.05
The economy may be bad, but it sure is facinating.
For instance, Hummer sales are down. [1] 51%. Biggest drop in the industry. Whatta surprise. How could that be? Well Rebecca Lindland with I.H.S. Global Insight says, "It's a brand that represents a lot of what people want to get away from. Even if gas prices are lower, it still kind of radiates conspicuous consumption." Kind of? Let me think. When I see one in the parking lot of the local WalMart, it just looks to me like a safe and sensible suburban kid-hauler that any soccer mom would drive. But I suppose if I spotted one double parked in front of some fancy New York club, then maybe.
And just what might be going on in said club, you might ask? This week we found out. There in the wilds of New York State, home of the Wall Street wizards who brought us this exciting new Great Recession, an Attorney was asking the gummint to give him back his records.[2] They were seized in a raid of his office, as he is accused of being tied up in a real estate scam that recruited straw buyers at a dominatrix club. So now we've got Mortgage Whacked Securities, too. And if you bought into those, I hope you covered your risk with a Credit Default Wife Swap.
And speaking of the Great Recession, no soup lines this time around. Oh no. We have health lines now. Walgreens is offering free clinic visits to the unemployed and uninsured for the rest of the year. [3] But don't dare park that Hummer in the lot when you get there. Especially with Mistress Hildegarde perched in the passenger seat. They might think you're just another conspicuous consumer looking for a freebie and send you packing.
Drive safe, keep your business in your pocket, and see you next week.
2009.03.29
When the mighty get themselves into trouble with the law, I'm not interested. When New York Governor Eliot Spitzer spent more on hookers than I do on automobiles and lost his job as a result, I was underwhelmed. But I do love crime stories about flash-in-the-pan minor celebrities.
So a special thanks goes out this week to that true-crime web blotter, The Smoking Gun, for uncovering the arrest last month of Vince Shlomi (aka Vince Offer, aka the ShamWow Guy). Mr. Wow was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami after beating up a hooker. He paid that lady $1,000 for "straight sex," so I assume that no ShamWows were harmed, but I'm still trying to compute how many ShamWows he could have purchased for that much money. My guess is a lifetime supply.
And The Smoking Gun gives us mug shots and affidavit copies too. So if you have some time (and you obviously do or you wouldn't be sitting here reading this stuff), you might enjoy clicking here for all the lurid details. Now that's excitement. And show business at its best.
2009.03.22
I'm just a normal guy. I can't think in terms of large amounts of money. Look - if you can't fold a stack of money in half and stick it in your pocket, it's a lot of money. I'm so old I still think a million dollars is a lot of money. A lot.
Senators and Congressmen and Presidents? They think differently. No one knows for sure if the late Senator Dirksen ever really said, "A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon, you're talking real money." But I'll bet you a buck he did. After all, he was a Senator, fer crissakes.
Still, that was decades ago. Now everything is in trillions. Trillions. I can't even visualize that. You try. Here, look at this:
Which explains why people get all glassy-eyed when someone brings up the budget deficit. Or the amount of money lost in the stock market since the crash started. Or the cost of health care. Or the cost of stabilizing the credit markets. Or financing the wars we love so much.
But that also explains why people will get really really upset over some lowlife scum getting a million dollar bonus. At least we can kind of imagine what that kind of money looks like. And we know that we didn't get it. And we screw up all the time. And it ain't fair.
My money says that this time next year the government will be jabbering about squintillions of dollars. And we still won't get it. Not near enough of it, anyways.
2009.03.15
This was a week of mixed blessings.
Forbes reports that this year, the world has 332 less billionaires and the average net worth of those that remain is down 23% to $3 billion. We're gladly not among those unfortunate folks.
Nor were we among those rich enough or high profile enough to be offered the golden opportunity to give all of our money to inmate #61727054 (aka Bernie Madoff).
So the market bounced back a bit, we still have some folding money left, and tomorrow is another day. Even though things aren't quite looking rosy yet, at least we can feel a little better for a change.
And a heartfelt thanks goes out to the Growling Raven for riffing with me on this week's comic. There are two things I like about this story:
1) it's true, and
B) it didn't happen to me
And lastly, Thursday 3/19 marks 6 years of war in Iraq (lest we forget with all this economic nonsense going on).
2009.03.08
What's new? I just don't know what's new anymore. When I was young, new meant something I just got yesterday. As I got older, new stretched out into last week. Then last month. Now I don't remember even BEING young, and new could be something I got in the last few decades. I just don't have the concentration to keep track of when I got all this stuff. Now I just categorize it all as new and not new.
Like my toaster. That was new until maybe a few months ago. Now it's not new. My guess is 15 years old. And it's crapping out already.
But I do have a new dryer. I just got that a year ago. Or maybe three. But it's new. And it's a top of the line machine made by a company that will remain nameless but whose stock has dipped from $38 to $7 in the last year.
I bought my first dryer from Mr. Roebuck's partner during the happy days of the Carter administration. It had a knob to set it and a button to make it go. The knob settings were hot, warm, cool, and tumble. It was simple. It was great. I knew what those settings meant and what to expect. This new one has a control panel like the Starship Enterprise with 4 knobs and a button. It's got a 'Wrinkle Care' on/off knob. It's got an on/off 'Signal' knob, and I'm not even sure who it's trying to communicate with. It's got a 'Temperature' knob for High, Medium, Low and No Heat. Why would I want a dryer with no heat? That still confuses me.
The 'Settings' knob is truly perplexing. There are settings for cotton, easy care, delicates, and time. For more dry, less dry, cool down, quick fluff, and wrinkle care. I can even set it for 'damp dry'. That's an oxymoron, right? Or maybe it's a question. Damp dry? Let's see. Yes and yes. The clothes are damp and I want them dry. And there's a 'dewrinkle' setting. I tried that once. Dialed it in and stuck my face in there. Nada. My mirror told me that I've still got wrinkles.
So early on I dodged all the complexity and chose to only use the 'optimum dry' setting. That works fine. Even on my delicates, which I believe are my Hanes boxer shorts. And it's both a setting AND a superhero. Optimum Dry. I still haven't seen a guy in tights flying around in there, even if I open up the door and peek in real quick, but it's nice to know he's in there tirelessly working for truth and justice. And for dry undies and sheets. I figure he does it because he likes to tie one of those sheets around his neck so it will billow out behind him as he tumbles around. In any event, my clothes are dry and I sleep on dry sheets, so I'm very grateful to him.
Thanks, Optimum Dry. What's new?
2009.03.01
Shinybait is two years old on March 4. Who woulda thunk it. And we still haven't won any awards. But that doesn't mean that we can't give some out. So grab some birthday cake and enjoy this week's awards ceremony:
The winner of the Cognitive Dissonance Award goes to Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana (The Pelican State) who delivered the Republican rebuttal to Obama's address to Congress and said: "Democratic leaders say their legislation will grow the economy. What it will do is grow the government, increase our taxes down the line, and saddle future generations with debt. Who among us would ask our children for a loan, so we could spend money we do not have, on things we do not need?"
Ya mean like a war in Iraq? Or the Department of Homeland Security?
Who indeed? Let me think...I remember that guy's name...on the tip of my tongue...George something...
The winner of the Rage Against the Machine Award goes to a 70 year old Joplin Missouri (The Show-Me State) who, when faced with his local TV station's switch to digital, and his inability to get either his cable or DTV Converter Box working, shot his television set. His wife claims he had been drinking. I certainly hope so.
The Eloquence Award must go to Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele (The Token State) who admitted that the party had made mistakes and added, "We know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad." Well said, Mister Steele. A finer apology was never rendered.
The Viral Web Bad Taste award is given to the only entrant this week, Los Alamitos, California (The Golden State) Mayor Dean Grose for sending "a small group of friends" an e-mail picture of the White House with the lawn planted with watermelons. The caption said, "No Easter egg hunt this year." Amazing how big a small group of friends turns out to be on the web, eh Dean?
2009.02.22
These are the times that try men's souls. These times is tough and things look bad. So bad that you can't even make money with naked ladies anymore. This week Reuters said that Playboy Enterprises reported a loss for all 4 quarters last year. A big one. And they're thinking of selling the company. And they're willing to discuss "changes in the strategic direction" of Playboy Magazine. Yeeesh. Like what kinda strategic changes? Like ladies with clothes on? Or a hentai centerfold? Or cats rather than ladies? Or turning it into an ATV fanzine? One day you're riding high in the mansion, wearing a silk robe and lounging around with women that have staples in their navels, and the next day yer in the soup line talkin' about "back in the day" to a crack addict with a ring in her lip. Well there goes another cultural icon. Just like the dial telephone. Or the hula hoop. And it can happen to any icon. At any time. In a good or bad economy. So we need to take the long view and preserve those icons we cherish. Like the Survivor TV series, for instance. I want that show around long enough that they can have a 30 year reunion episode with the runners up from the first few seasons. Assuming Jeff Probst isn't a stroke victim by then, he can even host it. They can call it Survivor:Geriatric Ward. With events like "What day is it?" Or "Where's my teeth?" Now that's iconic. And cultural.
2009.02.15
Trying to fix this troubled economy is a real piece of work, ain't it? First we tried to cover up all those toxic assets with a TARP (Troubled Assets Relief Program) so no one would notice them anymore. When that didn't work, Congress started cobbling together an ARRA (American Recovery and Reinvestment Act). Lotsa folks think that won't work either. So then what will we do? Put together a JEST (Joint Economic Stimulus Tactic) hoping that the economy will swallow another trillion dollars whole and that will get things moving? More likely, we'll all need a good BARF (Budgetary Adjustment Relief Fund) to make us all feel better.
Or maybe we've all just grown fat and lazy. Let's get moving, tighten our belts, and get the FLAB (Four Letter Acronym Bureau) out of Washington. That won't help the economy much either, but it sure would make me feel better.
2009.02.08
On Thursday new claims for unemployment benefits hit a 26-year high. So it's always refreshing to hear about someone finding the perfect a job in this economy. And Shinybait was ecstatic when Duff McKagan, bass player for Guns N' Roses, was hired as a national financial columnist for Playboy magazine. Here's a perfect fit for the perfect job. I mean, what mixes better than rock and roll and money? And who doesn't turn to Playboy for investment guidance (or to the Wall Street Journal for thier extensive soft core porn, for that matter)? In fact, Obama should consider that when looking for a replacement for Daschle for HHS. Sure, HHS covers many diverse agencies, and it's hard to find somebody with the perfect experience to head all that up, but you should always play to people's strenghts. And when you think of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, doesn't Axl Rose immediately come to mind? Or Britney Spears when you think of the Administration for Children and Families. Or Springsteen for the Administration on Aging?
And speaking of landing the big job, here's a big Shinybait shout out to Michael "Token" Steele on his election to chairman of the Republican National Committee.
Now, if we could only find appropriate work for Rod Blagojevich. Maybe he could host "The Price Is Right."
2009.02.01
Some things never go away. Like this winter.
And some people don't either. Like Palin.
This week the Channel 2 News staff in Anchorage reported that a pair of red, Naughty Monkey Double-Dare pumps allegedly worn by Gov. Sarah Palin during her campaign for vice president netted $2,025 on eBay.
Now I know that these shoes normally go for about $100. And that two grand sounds like a lot of money for a pair of used shoes. But these shoes are really really special shoes. When you click those ruby red heels together 3 times and say "there's no place like home", you're teleported to Wassila Alaska.
Now if we could only get Obama to sell some magical loafers that would teleport us to Hawaii instead of the meth capital of Alaska, I'd get a couple of pairs.
Especially this winter.
2009.01.25
Well, Barack is in the White House and things are changing already. He's signed orders to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center and secret overseas CIA prisons. And he banned those nasty interrogation methods so beloved of the Bush Administration. Everyone's atwitter about where all those detainees will go, and how they will get it all done in a year, and what to do about the 20,000 new waterboards that were just delivered.
And it's got other people's underwear in knots too. Take Kiefer Sutherland (aka Jack Bauer, aka Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland). They'll have to rename his show "17" after they cut out all the torture scenes. But not to worry, Jack. Sure, that will obviously make things less exciting, but it won't affect the plotlines much. And it will provide additional real estate for advertisers. The viewing public will hardly notice if you can keep the clock running onscreen during the commercials .... tick ... tick ... Honda! ... tick ... tick ... Depends! ... tick ... tick ...
This is the 100th issue of Shinybait. Thanks to all regular readers, occasional readers, idle surfers, and time wasters. See ya next week.
2009.01.18
A big Shinybait high five to:
Capt. Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III , US Airways Flight 1549 and her crew
Capt. Vincent Lombardi, the ferry Thomas Jefferson and her crew
Capt. Brittany Catanzaro, the ferry Thomas Kean and her crew
The captains and crews of 12 other vessels assisting in the rescue
The emergency reponse units of New York and New Jersey
A most impressive effort by all. Thanks for proving that heros still walk among us.
And a Shinybait farewell to Andrew Wyeth: July 12, 1917-January 16, 2009
You will be missed.
2009.01.11
In case you've been frozen solid and haven't noticed lately, winter just keeps rolling on and on and on. I know that it looks like it ain't ever gonna stop, but there's no reason to be glum. Cheer yourself up. Take a look at the calendar. I did. Here's what I found:
only 9 more days of Dubya
only 34 shopping days until Valentine's Day
only 38 days until Spring
only 44 days until Mardi Gras
only 161 days until summer
Now there's some reasons to be cheerful. And if you're one of those who can't wait and want to start the party now, I've got a reason. If you need a reason. And I'm not sure why anyone ever needs a reason. But if you do, today is the birthday of Abd al-Rahman ibn Muhammad ibn Abd Allah, better known as Abd-ar-Rahman III, Emir and Caliph of Cordoba. Now that dude could party. Had he taken better care of himself, he'd be 1119 years old today. And probably pretty ornery and decrepit too. So don't make that mistake. Enjoy life while you're young.
Salut.
2009.01.04
I got a lot of neat things for Christmas. Hope you did too.
One of my favorites is from my gadget-freak brother-in-law. It's a Garmin GPS Navigator. Now like most men, I get lost a lot and refuse to ask for directions. Worse, I can never remember street names or addresses. I navigate by landmarks. Which means that if they tear down the old barn on this corner or paint the brown fence white on that corner, I'm hopelessly lost. So this thing solves those problems.
But I got questions.
Like how do they get all those maps in that little tiny box? Every time I open up a regular old Rand McNally paper map, I'm lucky if I can fold that thing up small enough to fit in the glove compartment. Or the trunk for that matter. This thing keeps bunches of maps in that little tiny box. How does it do that?
And how does it know where I am? Some guy told me that it does that by talking to outer space, but that doesn't sound even remotely plausible, does it?
Still, the bestest part is that wee little checkered flag poking out of your destination, just like it was the Grand Prix or something.
Finally. A video game that I can actually win at.
2008.12.28
Another New Year, and people are gonna be asking me what my resolutions are again. I still make them every year. Bet you do too. But you'd think by now that we'd both know better. Every year it's lose weight and quit this and give up that and suffer slings and arrows. These promises never work out. But I still make them anyway.
Well, I'm trying a new approach this year, and I'm cutting out the negativity. Enough pain and suffering. Enough thou shalt not.
So here's the new and improved list:
1) Have more fun
2) Sleep more. Get 8 hours of sleep every night. For starters.
3) Get more fat in my diet. If fat was so unhealthy, wouldn't we as a species be extinct by now?
4) Procrastinate. Get started right away. Or soon, anyway. What's the rush?
These promises I can keep. Well, most of them, anyway.
Happy New Year from Shinybait.
"Doing good and doing well should be enough for us." P. J. O'Rourke, On the Wealth of Nations.
2008.12.21
Merry Christmas. May you get everything you desire.
Well, maybe not everything. Let's be honest. Some of that stuff is just downright disgusting...
2008.12.14
Here it is. 11 days until Christmas and I still haven't started getting the tree, decorating, shopping, baking, or getting out the Christmas cards. Nada. Bupkis.
If you're in the same predicament as I am, and you still haven't started Christmas shopping for me yet, check out my Christmas wish list. It's loaded with great gift ideas that you can buy me:
An annuity.
A 40 foot inflatable Santa Yard Figurine that lights up and plays music.
An Illinois Senate seat.
A pony.
If you chose the pony, please let me know the delivery date ahead of time. With the way these FedEx and Brown guys drop a package on the porch, ring the doorbell, and jump back in the truck, by the time I figure out the pony is there I'll have a heck of a mess on the porch.
2008.12.07
The news is now so depressing that I can't bear to watch, what with unemployment and inflation and war and the release of Chinese Democracy. So I was trying to avoid any bad news this week and I did something I don't normally do. I checked out YouTube. And now I remember why I avoid that too.
Curiosity got the best of me, though, with the saxophone playing walrus . Now this walrus thing is no big deal, but it seemed familiar, and that kept nagging at me until I placed it - it reminds me a lot of the saxophone playing candidate:
Think these two were separated at birth?
2008.11.30
Egads. A 4 day weekend. I shut my brain off on Wednesday at about 3 PM and now it won't reboot. See you next week. I may have it up and running by then.
2008.11.23
OK. That's enough. I don't wanna hear any more about Angelina Jolie. Ever. I don't wanna hear about 'Changeling'. I don't wanna hear about her adopting any more children. Even if she adopts all the children in eastern Congo. And I don't wanna hear any more about her babies. Even if she delivers octuplets. Twice. And I definitely don't wanna hear any more about her breastfeeding. Anyone. Unless it's the Pope. And even then, I don't think I wanna hear about it.
Everybody stop it. Right now.
2008.11.16
OK. So I've been totally immersed in campaign coverage for months to the exclusion of just about everything else. And I've got just one thing to say:
HOLY SHIT
Where did the summer go? Or Britney for that matter? And what is "The Mentalist"? And what happened to Lindsay? And just WTF happened to my 401k?
Phew. And when did Axel finally finish "Chinese Democracy"? I mean, he's been at that for 14 years at a cost of $13 million [1]. For a Guns 'N Roses album. Not including the cover art or liner notes.
And what happened to "The Bailout"? Did Paulson open up a candy store? Now the mayors of Phoenix, Philadelphia, and Atlanta are asking for a piece of that action. And American Express, too. AMEX [2] declared themselves a bank holding company, and are now eligible for bailout money. I thought that was a pretty clever move. So this week I spent a few minutes filing my application with the Fed to be a bank holding company. And if The First National Bank of Shinybait gets ok'd, I'll be applying for, oh, maybe, say about $4.8 billion in bailout money early next week.
So next time you surf over here looking for Ducky and Boo, don't be surprised to find one of those corporate-looking banking web-skins offering attractive interest rates, on-line access to your funds, and hassle-free checking. Or not. With 4 or 5 billion, I might just buy the Kingdom of Tonga and take the throne. And you'll get a 404.
2008.11.09
I miss them. I miss them all.
I miss Obama and Joe. Yeah, I know that they're busy working to make a brighter future. And they had a press conference for a cupla minutes this week. But it's just not enough.
And McCain. We won't see him for months. He'll probably be in the shower for at least three weeks trying to wash off the stink of his campaign.
But most of all I miss Sarah. The bright red lipstick. The come-hither wink. The crisp pant suits and boots. The designer glasses. The cute country colloquialisms. I'm heartbroken.
In fact, I'm so desperate that I've considered moving to Alaska. There I might at least catch a glimpse of her in the news. That is if Senator Ted Stevens and his felonies don't drown her out there too. Imagine that. He has 7 felonies and can't even vote anymore. And yet he wins the election. Ah, Alaska.
But I just can't do it. I can't move to Alaska. It's too cold in the winter. And too dark. And I don't like Stevens. Or snowmobiling.
Or moose. Oh sure, everybody says that it tastes just like chicken. But I have my doubts.
2008.11.02
No, really.
Vote.
No excuses.
Just vote.
2008.10.26
I'm pretty much disgusted with print media and thier endorsements for Obama already. Shinybait came out in favor of the Palin/McCain ticket on 9/7/08, and has since been lobbying with the purveyors of newsprint, reminding them that thier choice now will prove to the public once and for all whether they are panderers to the liberal elite or thoughtful, caring institutions in step with Real Americans.
Well, now I find that Obama has the endorsement of The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, Boston Globe, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Seattle Times, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Dayton Daily News, The Canton Repository, Toledo Blade, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Nashville Tennessean, Sacramento Bee, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Wisconsin State Journal, Charleston Gazette, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Muskegon Chronicle, Honolulu Star-Bulletin, and list goes on. I wouldn't wrap fish in these liberal rags.
So today, I let me remind you that Shinybait stands proudly behind the Palin/McCain ticket, along side The Napa Valley Register and The Pueblo Chieftain. We also implore the two remaining uncommited newspapers in the country, The Capital City Daily Shopper and the Springfield Auto Mart to endorse Palin/McCain as well. Come. Join us in standing proud with the good, hardworking Real American people of the Heartland of this freedom loving, terrorist hating country and support the only ticket that will send America careening into the future.
Thank you.
2008.10.19
What are we supposed to call this decade, anyway? I remember the 60's, and the 70's. And the 80's. Well, maybe not the 80's. That was some boring decade, wasn't it? So I hear some people calling this the 2000's, which seems excessively long, and could be confusing for the rest of the millinium. I mean, doesn't the year 2489 fall in the 2000's?
I never hear anyone calling this decade "the zeros". But I do hear "the aughts". I kinda like that. Rolls off the tongue, and follows "the 90's" nicely. And besides, it's easy to remember as it rhymes with "ought". And that will be fitting when looking back on this decade. As in we ought not have quit the hunt for Osama in Afghanistan. And we ought not have gotten into this Iraq mess. And we ought not have pushed so hard for market deregulation. And we ought to have learned from our mistakes. And we ought . . . well, you get the idea.
I'm glad I've finally settled on the aughts, because in a little over a year we'll be in the tens. Or is that the teens? Now I'm confused again. But there's still a little time to figure that one out before we get there. We ought to do that soon.
2008.10.12
Where's the Cowboy? Where's the Decider? Where's the Commander Guy? Don't think he's given up with a whole 3 months yet to screw things up. He's still got at least one more fiasco in him. I'm certain of it.
Perchance he's running out of ideas for things he and his compassionate conservatists can screw up. Let's take stock of what we've got so far. He's screwed up the Middle East with The War on Terrorism, our relationships with our Allies with Cowboy Diplomacy, our educational system with No Child Left Behind, the economy with deregulatory fanaticism, our financial future with a Spend and Borrow fiscal policy, the Constitutional balance of power with Executive Branch expansion, our health with opposition to stem cell research, habeas corpus with Guantanamo Bay, our privacy with warrantless surveillance, our souls with waterboarding, New Orleans with distain, and the promise of Lady Liberty asking for poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free with the Great Wall of W along our southern border.
Phew. That doesn't leave much, does it? I'm flummoxed myself. I mean, how can things get any worse?
Well, that's for YOU to figure out. Today Shinybait begins "The Bush-up Challenge." Send your suggestions for the next cosmic screw-up our Commander in Chief should attempt to comments@whitehouse.gov. Time is short and he needs our help. Let's insure that future Americans never forget him. Or us.
2008.10.05
On Thursday night at Washington University in St. Louis, the perky Sarah Palin, in black suit, heels, and a french braid, smilingly reminded me of why I just love this political process. I jotted down a few of my favorite words and phrases in between the minor strokes and seizures. Let me share the joy:
- Nuke-you-lure: Oh god not another 4 years of that. Pul-ease.
- EYE-rack: See nuke-you-lure above.
- We're getting closer and closer to victory. And it would be a travesty if we quit now in EYE-rack: A two-fer! With the end right over the horizon. Getting closer all the time. I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation. Hey, wait a minit. Wasn't that mission accomplished a while back?
- John McCain knows how to win a war: Oh yeah. That Viet Nam thing he was helping out with from the Hanoi Hilton was a real smackdown, wasn't it?
- But it wasn't just [my experience as an executive] tapped into, it was my connection to the Heartland of America: Palin's connection to the Heartland...hmmmm...that would be through Canada, right?
Thanks to the 100 gabillion dollar Wall Street Bail Out Party from our problematic gummint, the Financial Threat Level is now orange. Have a nice week.
2008.09.28
"Our economy, I think still - the fundamentals of our economy are strong." John McCain, 9/15/2008.
Wow. A lot can happen in a cupla weeks, eh? So McCain flys off to Washington to save the day. And Dubya himself has to get on the TV and "tell the American people how the crisis affects them and help them understand the depth of the problem." Things must be bad. The Maverick has become the Maven of Money, and The Decider is now the Explainer.
Well, I can help explain this mess in terms everyone can understand. See, if you're Dubya, the solution to the economic crisis is a lot like the solution to terrorism. First ya got terrorist, called Wall Street in this case. And the terrorists have weapons to attack us, like Forward Rate Agreements, Interest-Only Stripped Mortgage-Backed Securities, Forward Contracts, Credit Derivatives, and such. These are scary and poorly regulated. But then just maybe there might be some WMDs, or Toxic Assets, too. These are way scary and something needs to be done about them right freakin' now. So what to do?
Well, you do the same thing you did with Iraq. You go to Congress and ask them to give you unsupervised power to use any way you want, and ask them to hand over a boatload of money that you can pass out to your friends. See? It's simple. It's profitable. What's to understand? Hand over the cash and shut up.
And as a public service, we here at Shinybait are resurrecting a tool that was extremely helpful for the average Josephine when trying to figure out just how bad terrorist activity really was. Back in the day when we worried about that kind of stuff. We call it the Financial Insecurity Advisory System.
The threat level is now red. Have a nice day.
2008.09.21
I love the financial markets. Bet you do too, fellow taxpayer. We are now all proud owners of The Federal National Mortgage Association, The Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation. and the American International Group. And thank goodness. My portfolio is so crappy that it can use some bucking up with some good sound moneymaking investments hand picked by our gummint.
And now we're all going to own mortgages too! Not just have them; hold them. Here's the beauty part of that. If Uncle Sam buys my mortgage, then I can have a mortgage on my house, and being an American, own the mortgage too. That means I owe me a lot of money. And if I can't pay myself, I'll need to be taxed more to make up for the loss to myself. But I won't vote for more taxes. So since I owe myself anyway and I can't pay me back, mebbe I can work out a deal with myself where I just keep my house and cancel my own mortgage and both of me call it even. Unless China wants to lend either of me some more money. They're swimming in it.
So we're all rich and we should just relax. In fact, I'm going out this week to buy 6 more houses. You should too. Gotta keep up with the McCains. And don't forget to thank the laize faire Republicans for sticking to their guns on deregulation and reduction of oversight on every market in sight, or we wouldn't have this here opportunity right now.
Plenty for everybody, and every man a king.
------------------------------------------
Richard Wright, 1943-2008
David Foster Wallace, 1962-2008
We'll miss you guys
------------------------------------------
2008.09.14
This week the Large Hadron Collider went online, and as expected, a black hole opened up, swallowed the world, and rematerialized it in the Bizzaro Dimension. I can prove it. Lipstick is big news. Really big. Obama said "you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig," and was immediately accused of sexism. In this reality you can put lipstick on a pit bull and not be sexist (or attacked by ASPCA for that matter), but you can't put it on a pig. Who knew?
So after a great deal of thought, I came up with this list of taboo phrases which I offer to the Democratic Party:
The pot shouldn't call the kettle black - obviously racist.
Like white on rice - same difference.
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king - discriminates against the disabled
Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today - alienates procrastinators.
If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen - aggravates the Culinary Workers Union.
A good man is hard to find - reverse sexism.
There's no place like home - that'll kill the Travel Industry Association endorsement.
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it - cheap shot at Palin.
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain - whooo boy is that one too hot to handle or what?
It's not worth crying over spilt milk - the International Dairy Foods Association disagrees.
There's no fool like an old fool - blatantly ageist
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em - a slur against Joe Lieberman.
Let's stay away from these in the waning weeks of the campaign, shall we?
2008.09.07
OK. The conventions are over. It's time to pick a ticket. One that will mean real change. One that will lead us to future. One that will pull us from this morass of economic and moral decline and place us on the shores of opportunity and righteousness.
I've listened to the rhetoric. I've waded thru the vitriolic stew. Waiting to hear the voice of reason. Waiting. Waiting. And then, like a 20 megaton blast of brilliance, I heard, "Opportunity rises when children are raised in homes and schools that are free from pornography, promiscuity and drugs; in homes that are blessed with family values and the presence of a father and a mother." (Mitt Romney, 9/3/08, RNC)
So I can now proudly stand behind the McCain/Palin ticket. John is on board with the promiscuity thing. Just ask his first wife Carol Shepp McCain. And Sarah is like so totally on point with understanding the evils of promiscuity and the need of mother and a father in a child's life. Just ask her daughter Bristol.
So that's that. Now let's get drilling.
I mean oil.
2008.08.31
I love politics. But you knew that already.
And yet as deep and abiding as that love is, this convention stuff is just too much. I tuned in early on opening night and was immediately bored. So I tuned into Dirty Jobs too and flipped channels occasionally. Until that got confusing. I mean, who had the dirty job there really? Mike Rowe in a San Francisco waste facility, or Dennis Kucinich
And then I watch and watch and I still miss the actual nomination. Can you believe it? Must have happened while I was on a Tylenol run. By the time Al Gore and Stevie Wonder hit the stage on Thursday, I was so bleary that I was happy Stevie had on shades so I could tell who's who.
But at least the conventions give me something to watch until Dancing With the Stars makes it's return on September 22. This time they have Warren Sapp, and ya gotta love that. Let's be honest; anytime you can see an NFL Pro-Bowl Defensive Tackle twinkle-toe his way around a pas de deux, you have to be at least a little curious.
2008.08.24
Well it took a lot of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but I've finally given up my old tube TV. And invested in a BGD LCD HDTV. For those of you who still remember the difference between VHF and UHF (it's the rabbit ears vs the ring, silly), I'll probably have to translate that into English for ya: biggoddamn liquid crystal display high definition television.
And if you think that's a lot to say, you should see the size of that thing.
Of course, there's still the issue of finding quality programming. The Olympics are over, and as exciting as synchronized diving was, I'm kinda glad. And now the Democratic National Convention is gonna eat up air time like Bill Clinton inhaling burgers. And the Fall season is still over the horizon. So I'll just have to wait it out with HD-enhanced reruns of Hogan's Heroes.
But there's one thing I just can't wait to see. Billy Mays is gonna have his very own reality show. And if they can line up the Samurai Shark, Mighty Putty, Handy Switches, Hercules Hooks, and the Big City Slider Station as sponsors, we can get NON-STOP BILLY. For a whole hour. I could just piddle with excitement.
In fact, I think I'll pull out the old Zorbeez chamois now and start cleaning that 52 inch screen. I recommend you do the same.
2008.08.17
This week as the dirty little war in South Ossetia continued, http://www.whitehouse.gov/ carried on in it's fine tradition of great fun and inspiring dialog. This week's episode is called "The Pot and the Kettle":
"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."
2008.08.10
Johnny McC is calling for an "Economic Surge" to cure the economy's ills. Assuming that this surge follows the pattern of the Iraq Surge, it will:
get started in about 3 years
be too little too late
have inconclusive results
leave the people on the ground (in this case working stiffs like you and me) sucking dust.
Damn. Now ain't that a grand idea?
And speaking of war, notice how this whole Iraq thing has gotten like so boring lately? And that Afghanistan thing is so 2001? Well luckily there's another party rolling. Georgia (no silly, not the state, that chunk of the old USSR) is trying to take back control of South Ossetia. Russia doesn't like it and is sending in tanks. This got hot fast, and could mean all out Russia/Georgia war. Now I know this SOUNDS like the same old boring war thingy, but it really is exciting. Because 1) Russia has nukes, and 2) Georgia is a US ally, and 3) Georgia borders on Turkey who has nukes and is a US ally.
And yeah so exactly what is a South Ossetia? OK I admit I had to look it up as I couldn't find in on the globe that I got for my Grade School graduation. It's a part of Georgia that is a lot like Cook County in Illinois except smaller and with a lot less people and a lot less money and no Sears Tower and no Democrats. But it does have mountains. Plenty. And S.O. declared independence from Georgia in 1992. But even though they're some small remote country that no one ever heard of that the UN still doesn't recognize, ya gotta be in favor of freedom whereever it stands to be counted. So "Go S.O.!"
2008.08.03
PCs are like cars. They're great when they work.
And mine's broke. XP is in an endless reboot cycle. And I will not be consoled.
So there will be no post from me today. Instead, I'm going to be rebuilding the PC from the Operating System up.
I've got nothing to say. Right now. No doubt I'll be saying plenty in an hour or two. But you won't want to hear it.
2008.07.27
I hate to be alone. Bet you do too.
So this week I was relieved to read that there are other people suffering from a similar problem to mine. See, some people think that life is "one, big reality TV show" . Wow. That's me all over. Now I don't have the "Truman Show Delusion" exactly. I suffer from something more like "Nigel Lythgoe Syndrome". In fact, this Thursday as I was Foxtrotting into work, flawlessly executing my Feather Step and Closed Telemark, it dawned on me that although the people walking with me appeared unappreciative, there were still millions of "So You Think You Can Dance" fans squealing in delight at my dazzling footwork and sparkling smile.
Now this doesn't really strike me as a problem. But I guess I'm gonna seek treatment anyway. Maybe Drs. Joel and Ian Gold can get the incessant screeching from Mary Murphy to stop. It's making me nuts.
2008.07.20
So I get to thinking about water. Bottled water. I bought a bottle of water a while ago. It's a nice bottle that I can fill up at the faucet when I'm thirsty and carry around with me. And if I lose it, I'm only out a buck and a quarter. Now that's a great deal.
And whilst in a moment of contemplation whilst waiting in a chair for some things to happen so that other things can happen so that I go about doing what I wanted to do in the first place before things got mucked up and weren't happening ..... I read the label on that bottle. Now that's how bored I was. But it was a joyous and uplifting experience. Lemme tell ya why. I found out that the water that was originally in the bottle before I refilled it:
-- would have expired on 6/30/2010 if I hadn't drunk it. Now that I have drunk it, and it has become some small part of me, will a little part of me expire on 6/30/2010 too?
-- contains no calories, no fat, no sodium, no carbohydrates, and no protein.
-- has a website (http://www.aquafina.com/) (how cool is that?)
-- should be stored in a cool place
-- and is the Official Water of Major League Baseball.
That's saying a lot of stuff about water. And MLB too. When I was a kid, the official drink of MLB was Pabst Blue Ribbon. Or bourbon. I forget.
2008.07.13
Sometimes I wonder. And for no good reason. This week I wondered about polls. Who takes polls? Where do they get their answers? How do they come up with this stuff?
The latest Pew Poll shows that 12% of registered voters planning on voting in the next Presidential election think that Obama is a Muslim. And 1% think that he's Jewish. I wonder how they figured that out? Did some think he was raised Muslim in Kansas and then converted to Judaism later when he moved to Illinois? It doesn't say.
And I wonder why they didn't ask about McCain? What do people think he is? I think he's a Druid. Look, he's got that Scots-Irish/English ancestry. And he's old enough to have set lintels at Stonehenge. So I'm guessing that Druid is likely. Or maybe Wiccan. On second thought, that's probably it.
If you're wondering about this stuff too, then you have way too much time on your hands. Or you worry about the wrong things. So take two polls and come see me next week. 2 out of 3 doctors agree that we'll probably all feel better by then.
2008.07.06
Sometimes I just don't know what this world is coming to. I mean, look at this stuff:
- Spending on TV ads for the presidential elections is estimated to exceed $800 million
- The movie "The Fly" is now an opera
- Prince Charles refitted his Aston Martin to run on wine
I'm too confused to know whether to be depressed or frightened.
But sometimes I find the news delightful. This week Stephen Baldwin said he will leave the country if Obama wins. The only possible downside I see there is that he might not STAY out.
2008.06.29
That W. You have to be impressed with his witty repartee with foreign dignitaries. What a smooth operator. This week he swept the President of the Philippines right off of her feet with the following [1]:
PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there's a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House. (Laughter.)
PRESIDENT ARROYO: Yes.
PRESIDENT BUSH: And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.
PRESIDENT ARROYO: Thank you.
Ahhhh the Philippines. Come for the food. Stay for the ... basketball?
And ya gotta admire the poise of Madam President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. If she has a American-Philippine chef stashed away somewhere in HER kitchen in Manila, making hot dogs and hamburgers, reminding her of the great talent of American-Philippine people, she didn't mention it. Not that she would.
This is history in the making right here kids. And it's only a click away. So head out to http://www.whitehouse.gov/ for tons of great fun and inspiring dialog. Bookmark it today!
2008.06.22
I like Reuters. And CNN. And the BBC and NPR too for that matter. But who I really like is the Associated Press. Those guys are a hoot. I just found out that they're charging for republishing excerpts of their stories on websites. Like this one here. And prices start at just $12.50 for 5-25 words [1]. Now I'm like all about intellectual property rights and stuff, and even have a copyright statement hanging out around somewheres on this site. And I'm not the kinda guy who would steal for a profit. And god nose I need more legal problems like Iowa needs more rain. But still, Shinybait has to watch expenses, because we have an income of like, oh, I don't know, maybe zero dollars. So we're going to have to cut back. On how may words we quote.
Which leads us to a recap of this week's news in our new condensed format, which we like to call "4 Free":
"...navel piercings, exposed tattoos..." [2]
"...the subprime mortgage market..." [3]
"...newly laid-off workers..." [4]
"...near Mars' north pole..." [5]
"...Young Jeezy was charged..." [6]
"...59th Watermelon Days Festival..." [7]
So where does all this leave us? Probably just shamelessly plagiarizing from now on. But then again, I just realized that "4 Free" looks just like the Fox News crawl. Sure it don't move, but it has links! How cool is that? And I also realized that I just saved $62.50. This might work after all. Damn. Not bad for a day's work. And you can quote me on that.
2008.06.15
Happy Father's Day. I'm taking this one off. See you next week.
2008.06.08
I just hate doing chores around the house. Bet you do too. It's always something. And it's always time consuming. And usually expensive. And it always takes at least three trips to the Ace and two to Home Depot before it's finished. That's why this week Shinybait is sticking out a big bandaged thumbs-up to Oleg Kononenko, who had the unenviable task of fixing the toilet on the International Space Station. Talk about nasty tasks in small spaces. And where do you go for a discharge adapter, 2 supply hoses, a 3.5x3.1x.21 O-Ring, and a manual override plug? The International Space Ace? I'm thinking not.
Here's a picture of Oleg hard at work. Makes you feel a little better about crawling around on the floor of your bathroom, doesn't it?
And as Russian Mission Control says, "Let's start using it. We'll keep our fingers crossed." [1] I usually keep mine crossed whenever I'm done with a chore like that. And a bucket and a cupla towels handy too.
2008.06.01I like to write up the old grocery list. Especially whilst sitting and having lunch at The Lactating Yak, enjoying the Blue Plate Special of rice and beans with fresh rosemary and feta cheese. And the free wifi. And whilst surfing around on said free wifi, I stumbled across good news for Spam lovers everywhere: sales of Spam are through the roof. Now the post [1]" says that this is because it's cheap, but we know better. It's good. And Heinz is raising its earnings growth forecast too [2]. Coincidence? I think not. Ketchup and Spam. What could be better? So as a time saving public service, I'm publishing my grocery list for the week: spam, beans, spam, eggs, spam, white bread and mayonnaise, spam, ketchup, spam, and Prilosec. That should do it. Feel free to use the list. You won't regret it.
And don't forget to stop in at Dunkin Donuts and pick up a dozen . I love DD. Bet you do too. And they may not serve up sugar-free or fat-free, but they are striving to remain jihad-free. This week DD pulled their latest Rachel Ray(TM) commercial [3] because her scarf looked too much like a keffiyeh, "the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad." I chatted about that with my friend Mahmoud, the local DD owner, and we both agree that we feel a lot better and safer without the ad. That Rachel Ray woman scares the crap outta both of us.
So now I'm off to shop. And then tomorrow it's back to The Lactating Yak for lunch. Because the Blue Plate Special is baba ghanoush. And because tomorrow is an udder day.
2008.05.25
Mission Accomplished Days festivities continued this week with the Pentagram announcing planned deployment of 42,000 troops TO Iraq in the fall, 14,000 troops TO Iraq next spring, and 3,100 National Guard troops to Afghanistan in the spring of 2010. [1]
2010. Phew. Pace yourselves, kids. This party will be going on for a while yet. Regardless which poor presumptive candidate takes over as Commander in Chief come January.
And speaking of presumptive candidates, Big John says talking to Cuba don't cut it and that we need to continue the economic embargo until its communist government releases political prisoners and schedules internationally monitored elections. [2] Raul Castro responded, reminding McCain that since Guantanamo Bay is under U.S. control, he can't free the prisoners. But he will press the United Nations to monitor the U.S. November Elections to prevent a repeat of the Florida Hanging Chad Fiasco of 2000 or the Ohio Obfuscation of 2004.
I smell Free and Fair in the air. I'm hoping that the Superdelacratic Party can too.
2008.05.18
I just got back from vacation on the western intercoastal of Florida. There's a fish there that jumps out of the water, and falls back in on is side with a fwap. We called him Monty (after Python, and The Fish Slap Dance. That kind of sound). So after wondering why he would be doing this down by the docks every afternoon, I looked him up. And the Australian Museum tells me that he's a Sea Mullet, and when a single fish like Monty does this, it's to "fill the pharyngobranchial organ (an area at the back of the throat) with air. The trapped air is believed to allow the fish to remain active in water of low oxygen concentration for about five minutes." [1]
I don't know. I kinda think that that Monty just got finished with all his fishy chores, like eating and swimming and such, and was taking a little vacation himself. And jumping just for the fun of it. Well, I jump for joy about vacation. You probably do the same.
Bet he does too.
2008.05.10
I like mornings at "Patty Black's Quik Snak Double Stack Pancake Shack and Knick Knack Emporium." The place we all call "Phil's". After the owner. Ignatius.
And this morning, as I had my coffee and free wifi, I was elated to read that the fair City of Baltimore will be installing a bronze bust of Frank Zappa on a steel pole (take that, Philadelphia - sure beats that statue of Rocky). I was even more excited to read that the project was "spearheaded by Zappa fans from Lithuania." [1] Not so much because they're Lithuanians. More because of Yahoo News' use of the word "spearheaded" in this context. So excited, in fact, that I spit my coffee on the poor folks at next table.
I hope Ignatius isn't still mad at me. At least I didn't get any on my keyboard.
(Editors note: I had to post up early this week, so if you missed last week's stellar edition, please check it out in our "Prior Comix" and "Prior Posts" sections. And see y'all next Sunday.)
2008.05.04
For a while I've been wondering if everything is made in China. Then I thought that mebbe I was just paranoid. But not now. Now I'm convinced that everything is made in China. Everything. Even the Tibetan National Flag. They make those in Guangdon [1]. I wonder if they're hand painted. With lead paint. And I wonder if China makes the Yearning For Zion Ranch flag too. Or mebbe their maternity dresses. Probably just the dresses.
Hope you enjoyed the "5th Annual Mission Accomplished Days" festival last Thursday. The most popular attractions this year included the Grenade Toss, the Sand Sculpture Competition, the Falafel Eatting Competition, and the 'Stay the Course' Goat Races. I had to man the booth selling the blue banners, so I didn't get to catch much of the festivites, but I did get to see the Green Zone Clog Dancers. Now that's entertainment. And the MREs were to die for. If you didn't make it, be sure to come next year on 5/1. I hear that John McCain is planning a futuristic new multi-media attraction called "100 Years of Mission Accomplished". It's sure to be a treat for the whole family. I know my great-great-grandchildren will love it.
2008.04.27
This country is going to the dogs. Really. First there was the Ellen debacle with Iggy. [1] Then Oprah's dead dog Gracie. [2] And the Uno rage. [3] And Martha Stewart's dead dog Paw Paw. [4] And this week 2 more dogs in the news. Beautiful Bulldog Buddy, [5] and the dog that peed on Natalie Portman.
Now I don't know about you, but that's enuff with the dogs in the news already. OK, I'm guilty too. I've posted them all here. It's insanity.
Well, except maybe for the Portman thing. Natalie is thin as a twig, and you gotta give the dog the benefit of a doubt. It probably mistook her for a sapling. So maybe that one is not insanity. And even though I still feel guilty for propagating this, you gotta admit, that picture is just hilarious.
And remember kids, those tax rebates start going out Monday. Spend it wisely. No bottles of wine with screw caps.
2008.04.20
This morning, as rosy-fingered dawn caressed the ground, I took a walk around my palatial estate and inventoried the magic that is Spring. And indeed, her dance has begun, with daffodils, crocus, tulips, and ... weeds. It's as the Preacher taught, "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every %$&#ing chore under the sun." So today it's weeding. Hope I'm done with THAT by next week.
2008.04.13
Ever heard of Barbourula Kalimantanensis? No, not the guy who owns the Omega Restaurant, silly. That's Gus. "Barb" is a frog found in Borneo. And this week it was announced [1] that said frog has no lungs and breathes through its skin. We here at Shinybait were so impressed we sent our Science reporter to Borneo for an exclusive interview.
"Hey. What's the big deal," Barb wants to know. "You guys elected a president who has no brains and thinks with his gut." Point well taken. But in Dubya's defense, at least he's not thinking with a different part of his anatomy, like David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Bill Clinton, Tom DeLay, Mark Foley, Jack Ryan, Duke Cunningham, or you can put Your Favorite Here: ____________ ...
And oh yeah, Max Mosley. Thanks, Max, for putting the racy [2] back into Formula One.
2008.04.06
I've been depressed all week. Just look at these headlines:
- Employers Slashed 80,000 Jobs in March [1]
- 81 Percent Of Americans Think Country Is On The Wrong Track [2]. This means that if you're one of five people in the kitchen at a cocktail party, 4 of you think things suck, and the other guy just poked himself in the eye with a canape.
- Senate Debates Bill Aimed at Curbing Foreclosures [3]
- Gas and Gold Prices Drive Customers to Pawn Shops [4]
- A War Machine for the Whole Family [5]
- More Than 1,000 Iraqi Soldiers Quit During Basra Fight [6]
- ATA Files for Bankruptcy Again [7]
- First-Quarter Auto Sales Worst Since 2002 [8]
- The Peace Symbol Turns 50 [9] (and is still pretty much ignored, just like that crazy uncle of yours. And 50 is coming up on retirement age, too. Pretty scary.)
- Mariah Carey Passes Elvis for the Most No. 1 Singles [10] (ok, so maybe that's just silly, but it is true. And an indication of just how low we've sunk)
2008.03.30
I like that new car smell. Who doesn't?
And it's time for a new car. That old motorwagon is draggin. But then there's the downside. Decisions decisions. What make? What model? I wanted an Oldsmobile Cutlass, but that's out. And what's the EPA rating? The carbon footprint? And what color? Avocado is so hard to find these days. And then there's the interior. Leather or cloth? I like the orange velour, but again, so very hard to find. And a roof rack? Fog lamps? Alloy rims? I'm so very very confused. And how much do I want to pay. Well, ok, that isn't really a decision, because no matter which way I chose, it will be too much.
Maybe I'll just sink some more cheap and plentiful American dollars into the old warhorse. But then there's still that new car smell.
I think I'll go with the Avocado Green Mitsubishi Lancer with an orange velour interior. No roof rack tho. That would be too ostentatious. But the 20 inch rims are a must.
And the bestest part, other than that smell of complex hydrocarbons? Driving it off the lot and hearing the sound of thousands of aforementioned cheap and plentiful American dollars flapping away in the breeze as it immediately depreciates.
Such a sweet, sweet sound ...
2008.03.23
I like peppermint. Especially Peppermint Life Savers. Bet you do too.
But if you're like me, you're probably scared. What with the credit crisis and bailouts and falling interest rates. And I've got tens of dollars I've saved up in the bank. And I was hoping that soon I'd have enough interest on that nest egg to get me a whole roll of Peppermint Life Savers. But now it doesn't look like it. In fact, now it looks like the banking system is gonna tank and I'm gonna lose all those tens of dollars too.
So I'm taking all my money out tomorrow. And buying rolls and rolls of Peppermint Life Savers. And I'm gonna hold them as a hedge against inflation. See, as the dollar falls, Life Savers go up. And they last forever. Think about that Life Saver you found under the car seat last week. Still tasted good, didn't it?
2008.03.16
THE GOLDEN SCREW AWARD WINNER
There's been way too much screwing around going on lately. People screwing other people, getting screwed, and screwing things up. And it's costing a bundle.
First there's Eliot Spitzer, who was screwing around [1] to the tune of $80,000. That's a lot of screwing around. By anybody's standards. And if you'd like to screw around too, you can go buy a "Client #9" t-shirt [2] and advertise that fact.
Then there's American teenage girls. One in four has a sexually transmitted disease. That's 3 million [3] people screwing around. Poorly. And I think they're all hanging out at my local mall, too.
And then there's Adm. William Fallon, who surprised pretty much everybody [4] when he resigned as CENTCOM commander of U.S. forces in the Middle East and Central Asia. Ya gotta wonder just who is screwing whom here.
And don't forget the American taxpayer. This year we'll be shelling out $12 billion a month [5] to "fight" the "war" in Iraq. If you do the math, that comes out to about forty bucks for each of us Americans. Yeah, we're getting screwed again, but then, we're used to it. And we're getting screwed for a lot less cash than Spitzer.
And let's not forget the Iraqis. As of this Wednesday, 3/19, they will have been our gracious hosts for 5 years. And we're still not packing our bags. Talk about overstaying your welcome. I know I would have kicked my relatives out of the house by this time.
I think the Iraqis win the Golden Screw Award.
2008.03.09
Gotta love that scrappy Hillary. She not only managed to turn around her losing streak this week, she also went and jammed the press into an Austin men's room. Some believe that this men's room thing was a smack against the Fourth Estate for showing a bias against her, but I believe it actually left them flush with excitement. After all, it IS convenient. With locks on the doors. Ample seating accommodating those with a wide stance. Running water and good lighting. And with pizza delivery, there'd be no reason to ever leave. Except maybe for a little while on account of that Chronicle reporter who insisted on the bean burritos for lunch.
And when the haggard reporters got home that evening and told the wife that they had a crappy day, they weren't just fooling around.
And on this day in 316 B.C.
The economy of the Empire remained in shambles during the final months of the reign of Felonious. To quickly combat the problem, the Emperor's advisor Frivolous proposed "Pluvia Denarius", which was intended to fan the economy's embers and return it to its former strength. The Felonious agreed to the plan, draining the Empire's coffers and tossing denarii off of the roof of the palace to the wretched throng below. As one would expect, said throng used those denarii wisely, spending them immediately on wine, women, song, and gambling. The empire-wide hangover lasted weeks, and the resulting loss of productivity plummeted the economy into further depths.
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but a denarii squandered is it's own reward.
2008.03.02
Shinybait will be one year old on Tuesday, March 4:
EAT CAKE!
2008.02.24
I love the Chinese. They're awesome. They have government agencies like "The Ministry of Information Industry" and "The State Administration of Radio, Film and Television." And with fun names like those, just what, pray tell, have THEY been up to? They're out to clean up "decadent, backward thoughts and culture" on the web and get rid of the cybertrash that has "seriously polluted the online environment and affected the growth of young people" [1]. That is like, so bitchin', dude. I'm going right out to their website now and taking the pledge to "actively disseminate healthy, beneficial audio-visual programs meeting socialist moral norms" and cut out the degenerate and seedy crap Shinybait has been smearing on the web once and for all, dammit.
But then again, Americans are great too. We don't need no steenking ministries to clean up the web. We have Microsoft to do that for us. The new service pack for Vista blocks the New York Times reader software [2], and who disseminates more decadent backward thoughts and culture than the NYT? And Joe American can shut down pornographic websites all by hisself. Why just this week a buncha those Joes crashed New York Magazine's website [3] which was displaying smutty photos of Lindsay Lohan pretending to be Marilyn Monroe [woohoo!] just by overloading their servers with hits. Damn, I love this country.
And the internet. I love the internet too. And cheese.
2008.02.17
Welcome back to the striking writers, and congratulations to Emmylou Harris for her induction into the country Music Hall of Fame.
And on this day in history: In 377 B.C., the gladiator Collum Magnus was dragged before the Senate to face charges of taking performance enhancing herbs to gain an illegal advantage in competition. He mightily disputed the charges in lengthly discussion. To settle the issue, the Senate Physician Medicus performed a quick examination and declared that he was unable to locate any gonads on the person of Collum Magnus. Collum Magnus left the city in shame and changed his name, thereafter know as Asterisk.
Remember kids, play clean and play fair.
2008.02.10
Oh sure. You can parade around all happy and excited, dancing in the afterglow of all the hoopla of the Super Bowl, Souper Tuesday and Mardi Gras. But not me. I'm steeped in sadness over the demise of the Spice Girls, who are canceling the rest of their world tour and ending it all on February 26 in Toronto. Now cynics will claim that they just aren't filling the halls like they used to, but the official announcement says it's "due to family and personal commitments for Emma, Geri, Mel B, Melanie C and Victoria."[ AP] I'm sure that's it. When they scheduled the tour, the youngsters just forgot about their son's hockey seasons, and their daughter's dance recitals. And Uncle Walter's birthday party. And mom and dad's anniversary. And the laundry. I'm sure that's it. Yep, I'm certain that it is. Fare thee well, Girls of Spice; the world is a little less twinkly bright without you.
2008.02.03
Happy Anniversary to Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie promo. You will not be forgotten.
And Happy Anniversary to the Tet Offensive. OK. Let's review what we've learned about waging dirty little overseas wars in the last 40 years. Hmmm. Let's see. Nope. I got nuthin.
And speaking about big events, AP is reporting that the U.S. military is working on what to do when a spy satellite falls out of the sky into North America in late February or early March. This puppy is about 15 feet across and weighs about 5 tons. That's bigger then my Chevy Corvair. And that could hurt somebody. Excuse me whilst I go check my homeowners insurance and see if I'm covered for that.
2008.01.27
When I was a kid I loved playing with those little balsawood airplanes with the rubber band powered propellers. You'd spin the propeller and the rubber band would get tighter and tighter as you spun and spun and then you'd throw the plane in the air as high as you could and watch it soar. And then you'd spin and spin and spin that prop to get that rubber band tighter and tighter and tighter to get the plane to soar higher and higher and farther and farther. And because you just didn't know when to quit, you'd wind it so tight that the rubber band would break and it wouldn't fly so good anymore.
Kind of like the stock market. Or the economy.
2008.01.20
Not to be outdone by the announcement of the Oprah Network (All Oprah, All the Time) or to be overcome by the writer's strike and overall sagging TV viewership, FOX has announced a groundbreaking new show next month: "Bowling with the Presidential Candidates." Live action on the lanes mix with heated political rhetoric in the snackshop as everyday people and high-profile politicos go head-to-head for exciting prizes and free airtime. And the cattle call is already out to the general public for the summer edition, with hundreds expected to reply.
This morning photos surfaced of a Clinton aide carrying her equipment, including a 16 lb. Brunswick BVP Rampage ball, a 12 lb. Maxim Blazing Fire, and a 10 lb. Ebonite RXSR 300 into the AMF Charleston Lanes in South Carolina shortly before the arrival of her motorcade. This dispels rumors that she would be a no-show for the competition and that she didn't have enough balls to play the game.
And on this day in History: 316 B.C. With the reign of the Emperor Felonious rapidly unraveling, the electorate of the republic began meetings to decide who best would succeed him. Faction within faction squabbled endlessly, and after one extremely loud and rambunctious exchange, the Senator Nefarious suggested that the racket reminded him of profane crows. Everyone wholeheartedly agreed, and the term "caucus" remains in use to this day.
2008.01.13
Ah, the automobile. Those graying boomers who still remember the Nash Rambler (or the Avanti, or the Oldsmobile for that matter), will tell you it's been a banner week for the automotive industry.
Eight automotive stocks fell to 52 week lows on Wednesday. Wall Street is worried about recession and lower-than-expected auto sales. But I'm not worried. Because Toyota, the #2 US automaker (US? Oh yeah, that IS right), says sales are up.
And there's exciting news from GM that they'll have a car in ten years that will drive and park itself. Perfect for those above-mentioned graying boomers. GM is still having trouble getting the car to drive 30 mph in the passing lane with the left turn signal on, but I'm sure they'll work that out.
And there's the new car from Tata Motors of India. It's called the Nano ("Tata Nano" is Hindi for "Little Yugo"). And costs $2500 (or about 3 ounces of gold). I wonder if it weighs more than 3 ounces? Or if the customer service hotline for the new car will be outsourced to call centers in America?
Oh, and speaking of customer service in America. McDonalds is putting in coffee bars! With baristas! You never know now what you're going to get when you order a burger and fries. I can't wait to see what I get when I order a Venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccino at the drive-thru.
Happy motoring from Shinybait.
2008.01.06
Best wishes to Stephen Stills for a speedy recovery.
2007.12.30
A new year approacheth and it's time again to resolve myself to improve. Especially since that tactic worked so well the year before. And the years prior, too, for that matter. So I've started my list. If you're having trouble with your list of resolutions, you can borrow some of mine:
1) Stop lending things out.
2) Stop being so indecisive. Or maybe try to be more decisive. Well, at least reduce the appearance of decisiveness. Maybe a little bit. Starting really soon. Maybe in July. Possibly later.
3) Stop being so negative. Wait a minit. Shouldn't that be "Be more positive?" I can't decide. I'll need to work on that later.
4) Stop procrastinating. ASAP.
Oh well. I hope your list is working out better than mine. Or not.
Happy New Year from Shinybait.
2007.12.23
Ah, there's nothing like a nice warm fire when the wintery winds blow, and this was a week for stoking up the flames. First was the midtown Manhattan FOX News offices where two Creative Directors had ideas simultaneously, and the resulting friction set the drapery ablaze. That was followed by a fire at Dick Cheney's Offices. The administration has been successful lately in keeping Cheney away from guns, but failed to take away his matches.
So throw the old Yule Log in the fireplace, get the matches and gasoline, and warm up your holiday.
2007.12.16
TV isn't dying; it's dead. NYT says the networks have nothing as result of the WGA strike and so are planning 27 hours a week of reality programming in the first quarter of 2008. One of the pearls Fox will cast before us swine is "The Moment of Truth," where "contestants are strapped to a lie detector and asked about their most intimate secrets on a national stage." And NYP says the networks will increase primary campaign coverage in prime time. Hey wait a minnit. I got an idea. Let's strap the candidates to lie detectors for the whole campaign. And have big scoreboards behind them for the debates. Drew Carey can host. Who wouldn't watch THAT?
And the Iran War may be dying, but it isn't dead. AP said that Bush "called on Iran to explain why it had a secretive nuclear weapons program, and warned that any such efforts must not be allowed to flourish 'for the sake of world peace.'" Shinybait has it on good authority that Iran immediately responded with a request for a definition of the word "nuke-u-lar."
Finally, the Cubs playoff hopes for '08 are definitely dead. The Mitchell Report indicates that no one on the team uses steroids. That explains a lot.
And so the song remains the same. Long live the Zep.
2007.12.09
The NYT says that "As original episodes of scripted comedies and dramas dry up because of the Writers Guild of America strike, reality competitions and game shows are likely to reach record prominence on broadcast television in early 2008." I can't wait. I love "Dancing with the Stars" and "The Price Is Right". I find them somehow soothing. Like a lobotomy. And so far my favorite proposed reality title ( I kid you not) is "Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen", wherein immigrants with temporary visas get a chance to grab the brass ring by grabbing a diamond ring and marrying into the madness. A lobotomy AND a tug at the heartstrings. How can you not watch?
Some good news for a change on children's medicine. Giving kids a teaspoon of honey before bed calms their cough and helps them sleep better. Who woulda thought? I'm still looking for confirmation that leeches cure fevers. I'll keep you up to date.
This little gem of a report by AP came in to late for last week's money edition of Shinybait. It says that the national debt is now $9.13 trillion. Up about 3.4 trillion since W took over (heckuva job, George). It's growing at a million dollars a minute. On the brighter side, the dollar is down about 35 percent since the end of 2001 against a basket of major currencies. So that's not as much debt as it looks like. And I feel better. Good enough to catch a rerun of "Win Ben Stein's Money." Which was definitely worth more in 2003 than it is now.
2007.12.02
I like money. A lot. Bet you do too. And there was lots and lots of talk this week about money money money...
Tiffany & Co netted $98.9 million last quarter. That's more than you and me netted. Together. Since forever.
And I was happy to hear that Reese Witherspoon sucks in $15 to $20 mil a movie. Nice work if you can get it.
I was even happier to hear that US Senator Ted "Big Ted" Kennedy is gonna rake in $8 mil for his memoirs. Those must be some memories. I figure my memories are worth a buck and half. Canadian. Those I still remember, anyway.
And you have to hand it to Bobby Cave for that good old American hustle. He owns the town of Albert in Texas, and sold it for a cool $3.8 mil to some guy from Italy. Now all Bobby has to do is collect. Hopefully in Euros.
And kudos to the guy who tried to open up a bank account with a million dollar bill. This teaches us that the US doesn't have a million dollar bill. Maybe the Canadians do. And it would definitely be worth more than ours.
Which reminds me. Time to haul the pocket change jar down to the bank. It's been a while since I've heard some foldin' money crunching in my pocket. Best get some now before the Chinese buy them all up.
2007.11.25
SPORTS UPDATE
Quarterback passer ratings - Year to Date
Tom Brady 131.8
Ben Roethlisberger 110.2
Tony Romo 103.3
Michael Vick 0.0
2007.11.18
Yep. It's almost Thanksgiving again. And if you're still undecided on what to serve the family this Thursday, try my favorite recipe.
ELECOWSOWKEY
Ingredients:
One medium sized Indian elephant. Preferable drunk on rice beer. If you're having trouble finding one, check with Paris Hilton. Yeah yeah sure sure she's denying it, but we know better.
One Steer
One Poland China Hog
One Turkey
One barrel of Michelob Lite
One tree, preferably oak
400 palm fronds
One shovel.
Matches.
Clean the elephant, steer, pig, and turkey. Stuff the turkey in the pig, the pig in the cow, and the cow in the elephant. Top off the cavity with the barrel of beer (not the barrel too, silly, just the beer. The barrel gets returned for the deposit). Take the shovel and dig a big pit. A real big pit. Cut up the tree and make a bonfire. Shovel the hot coals into the pit, cover with 200 palm fronds, add the stuffed elephant, cover with the rest of the palm fronds and then cover with dirt. Let cook for 3 days. Delicious.
2007.11.11
So my writers are on strike. SO WHAT? I can do this. Even though my Head Writer, my three Assistant Head Writers, my fourteen Staff Writers, and their two Interns and seventeen Admins are on the picket lines, I can still be funny. Sure, Leno can't do it. Stewart can't do it. But I CAN DO IT!. Yes. You want proof? Well, fasten your seatbelt. Here it goes ...
Bush is a poo-poo head.
So there.
2007.11.04
Even though Elvis is still number one (at least on the Top-Earning Dead Celebrities List), I'm still depressed. This SCHIP thingy has my undies in a bundle. Kids are now news. First there's this:
Twenty-one states will run out of money for children's health insurance in the coming year, and at least nine of those states will exhaust their allotments in March if Congress simply continues spending at current levels, a new federal study says. ( NYT). And no relief is in sight.
And then there's this:
Activists said they rescued 70 boys embroidering garments in small, squalid factories in India's capital Thursday, days after the reported discovery of children as young as 10 sewing clothes for retailer Gap Inc. (AP)
I'm so depressed that I'm heading over to the Gap right now to pick up a new shirt. Wrapping that garment around me and knowing that the happy and healthy little children of the world made it with their own little hands will cheer me up immensely. I just hope they didn't sneeze on it....
2007.10.28
It was money money money last week. And steaming heaps of it too.
First there's the $46 Billion more W needs for our wars (the real ones, not the one on drugs). Then there's the $1.2 Billion that we're not sure how was spent by DynCorp whilst attempting to train Iraqi police. Then there's the $500 Million W wants to give Mexico to help fight the war (on drugs, not the real ones). And don't forget the $400 Billion flushed down the financial crapper over subprime mortgages.
It's no wonder we can't scrape together $60 billion for S-CHIP over the next 5 years. Times are tough.
And no you can't have another bowl of gruel, Oliver. You can, however, rest well tonite knowing that Britney's Fifth, "Blackout," is "a triumph." And when you get a little older maybe you too can be a Mouseketeer and grow up to be a wealthy dysfunctional parent. Or cannon fodder. If your health holds out. Either way.
2007.10.21
We certainly have our ups and downs. Lucas is planning a TV Star Wars series, and Stephen Colbert is running for President, and Britney lost visitation rights and drove over a photographer's foot, and Obama and Cheney are cousins. But that's the same old. The really really exciting news this week has me up. Way up.
First there's our fun-loving armed forces advertising for recruits on a gay website. Don't Ask and Don't Tell have now been joined by Don't Look. The three monkeys are back together again.
Then there's our fun-loving post-modernist president who doesn't want Turkey sending an expeditionary force into Iraq. Face it, you guys, it's been done and overdone. Go invade Turkmenistan or something.
Then there's Rudy, who will keep us safe from space aliens. "Of all the things that can happen in this world, we'll be prepared for that, yes we will. We'll be prepared for anything that happens," said Giuliani. I'll sleep better tonight knowing that.
But the uppest news is that we'll be having sex with, falling in love with, and getting married to robots by as early as 2050. And David Levy at the University of Maastricht, Netherlands, filed a PhD thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," all about it. I'm surfing Amazon every day for a copy. Now that's a must read. Now that's research. That's cutting edge. And it's really hot. And something to look forward to, Will Robinson.
2007.10.14
I'm depressed. For a lot of reasons. But living in these modern times you have to expect that. These days you just don't get what you pay for. For instance, look at the new U.S. Embassy in Baghdad. The really really big one. The one that's supposed to last us a cupla three centuries as we help the Iraqis build their democracy. Now I know this is hard to believe, but the Kuwaiti contractor hired to build it for $600 million is over budget by $144 mil and delivery is delayed because of just plain crappy craftsmanship. Well, that and the State Department asleep at the managerial switch. And the delay is indefinate. But Condoleezza wants to cut these guys some slack. At the same time, State is also talking tough. State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said "We're not going to buy ourself a turkey here. We're going to make sure that we get what we paid for."
I agree. We SHOULD get what we paid for. Just like we get we what we pay for in the rest of Iraq. Day after day. After day. After day.
I expect that too in these modern times.
2007.10.07
I've been unable to think rationally enough to write anything. I attribute this condition to having read the following from W this week:
"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket _ in this case, a woman _ more money in her pocket to expand a business, they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building, somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded, it prevented additional opportunities for people to work. Tax cuts matter."
My head still hurts. I hope this condition isn't permanent.
2007.09.30
This has been a bad week for drivers. Britney's hit and run. Kiefer Sutherland's DUI. Time to get American on it's feet and walking again. That's why I'm so totally, like, dude, with the new Nike Air Native N7. Yeah, I know, this shoe is designed specifically for American Indians and available only to them. But I'm guessing that there's a whole new line in the offing here that will soon be appearing at a mall near you. Perhaps we can skip over for the Polish model called The Ski. Or traipse over for the Italian Nike AMS (atsa my sneaker). Or saunter by for the Slovak model sporting a Czech mark instead of the Nike Swoosh. These will definitely be a must have for the new school year.
And speaking of school, it's back in session and things are definitely looking up for the entire educational system. W (aka The Edjukayshun Presnent), who once asked "Is our children learning?", finally announced that he has his answer. This week he got up there on the TV and and proudly told us: "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."
Childrens may learn, but voters never seem to.
2007.09.23
This turned out to be "The Week of the Lawsuit," didn't it? Eddie Haskell sued the Screen Actors Guild for millions. Richie Ramone has sued Wal-Mart, Apple, and just about anybody in reach of a process server over the rights to 6 Ramones songs he wrote (count 'em, 6. All of 'em). Dan Rather sued CBS for $70 million. And lest I forget, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers sued God trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody. Apparently God has filed a response. Now I know that litigation is the third most popular form of social interaction in the country (see the Shinybait Archives, item #23), but it has to be more than just that. Maybe it's for the money. A lot of money. $70 million is a lot of money. Maybe I'll sue CBS for subjecting me to radio and television signals over the decades causing reduced mental capacity and hair loss. But I'll not be crass and sue for one of those big round dollar amounts you see in the media. Nope. Not me. I'm gonna sue CBS for $6,785,332.47. Canadian.
2007.09.16
THE GLOBAL WARMING THINGY (GWT)
This week I stood nearly-suicidal amid a steaming heap of news: the Petraeus' testimony, 9/11 tributes, the Congo Ebola outbreak, the dollar's value dropping to a 15 year low, health insurance premiums up 6.1%, and the sentencing of "Joey the Clown" Lombardo. And then I spotted a little gem from ABC News on the global warming thingy (GWT). Let me share:
"An area of Arctic sea ice the size of Florida has melted away in just the last six days as melting at the top of the planet continues at a record rate."
Florida. That's a lot of ice. Maybe even more ice than the ice that didn't make it to the Katrina victims. And in only six days. Pretty impressive.
This has me pretty concerned. But then I found out that not everything about the GWT is bad. For instance, ABC also points out that melting Arctic ice is opening up new shipping lanes. Canada and the US are already squaring off over shipping rights for the New Northwest Passage. Kinda gives ya hope knowing that our leaders have our best interests in mind over the GWT, doesn't it?
And I expect that we will be seeing skimpier attire as things heat up. Even now, women are being asked to cover up themselves up when boarding planes in skimpy outfits. Of course, this can be a mixed blessing due to the injuries middle-aged men will cause themselves colliding into each other in the aisles whilst gawking at chippies in hotpants and halters reaching for the overheads. Whiplash and broken bones being foremost. And eyestrain headaches. And spouse's elbow jabs.
But there are things we can do to reduce the GWT. The Lancet has one. Eat less red meat. You got it. It's all about the methane. Thanks, Doc.
"While there's life, there's hope." Cicero, Ad Atticum
2007.09.09
I'm in the wrong line of business. I need a research grant. This week people like you and me published research results showing that when it comes to finding that special someone, both men and women like them good looking. And when it comes to rock stars, they tend to die young. So. Here's my idea. I want to prove that if you live long enough, you will get old. I figure that this should take me about 20 years to research and shouldn't cost more that thirty or forty million. If you know anyone interested in funding the study, drop me an email.
(thanks to TH for riffing with me on the dialog for this week's comic)
2007.09.02
I was on vacation last week. I like vacations. They're short. They're expensive. And they're vacationy.
But the bestest part of vacations is that you can get away from the humdrum and mundane aspects of your everyday existence. I did that. I have no idea what's going on in the world. And I'm too tired to care. See you next week.
2007.08.26
Rumor has it that if we pull out of Iraq it'll be another Vietnam. There might be an upside to that. North Vietnamese Communists could bring some political stability to the region. Well, it could happen.
And AP reports that Hormel Foods Corp. said Thursday its fiscal third-quarter profit fell 4 percent year-over-year, due to weakness in its chunk chicken and Chi-Chi's sauce businesses. Evidently Spam is doing just fine, thank you.
2007.08.19
53 percent of people polled this week by CNN said that they suspect that the General Petraeus status report on the surge due next month will try to make the situation sound better than it actually is. And the LA Times reported that although the report was originally supposed to be from "...Petraeus and Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, administration officials said it would actually be written by the White House, with inputs from officials throughout the government. And though Petraeus and Crocker will present their recommendations on Capitol Hill, legislation passed by Congress leaves it to the president to decide how to interpret the report's data."
Now we can only watch as the White House tries to figure out what it means after they've finished writing it so no one will believe it.
On the plus side, Posh thinks her new house is "totally major!"
2007.08.12
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW BABY Baby Spice had a baby of her own. These Spice girls get a lot of press nowadays, don't they? I'm jealous. I don't get any press. Maybe they'll let me in the group and I can get some press too. I can be Old Spice.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW DEMOCRACY It's happened. Democracy has finally come to Iraq. The last Sunni representatives in the Iraqi Cabinet have walked out. They look just like the US Congress now don't they? Bickering over every little thing, entrenched in their own interest groups, and getting nothing done. Nice job, fellas.
AND ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY: 317 B.C. With the populace in an uproar over the continued failure to bring victory over the Gauls, and over the continued influx of illegal immigrants from Germania, Emperor Felonious made a bold political move: he left town for a vacation in the country. While at first blush this would appear to be no more than running away to hide, it was a political masterstroke. The Senate dubbed it the "Texus Asylum." It remains a successful political gambit to this day.
2007.08.05
APOCALYPSE SOON: The NYT tells me that 36 percent of those under the age of 30 were paying attention to the election at this point four years ago. 65 percent of them are now. Let's see. Who would appeal most to that demographic? Probably Fred Thompson. He's on the TV.
APOCALYPSE SOONER: Scarlett Johansson is recording an album. But wait - there's more. It's an album of Tom Waits covers.
APOCALYPSE IMMINENT: And speaking of music, the Eagles are almost ready with a new album and a tour. Welcome to the Rest Home California.
APOCALYPSE DONE GONE ALREADY:It turns out that the US government cannot fully account for 190,000 weapons issued to Iraqi security forces in 2004 and 2005. This would be around 110,000 AK-47s and 80,000 pistols. OK people. Everyone needs to come clean right now. I don't have them. I looked. Do your duty and check in your garage. Somebody has to have them.
2007.07.29
OK - this is a fair warning. I scanned the news all week long for the latest Poshbeck tidbit - and ya know what? Nothing. Oh sure David played some ball and got some ink in the Sports pages. Their kid Brooklyn ended up in the list of 50 craziest celebrity baby names. But otherwise Nada. Bupkis. And yet Britney manages to pull off a career-comeback meltdown and a photographer smackdown. And yet Lindsay manages to pull off even another DUI.
Well. Poshbeck had better get on the stick and back in the news. My celebrity attention span is about used up.
Posh who?
Somehow I missed W's colonoscopy last weekend. The uninsured taxpayer may have enjoyed this turn around, seeing as how W was taking one up the wrong road for a change. And yet, W gets free medical because said uninsured taxpayer foots the bill.
Kinda ironic, ain't it?.
2007.07.22
WEEKLY TO DO LIST
To Do Lists are good. They keep us organized. And productive. And listy. If you're non-productive and unorganized, you can use mine. Here it is.
TONITE - Attend the Tom Cruise / Will Smith Party for Poshbeck at the Museum of Contemporary Art's Geffen Gardens in downtown LA along with 600 of the glitteriest glitterati in the bidness. We won't get in, silly, because it's by invitation only, but we CAN stand by the door and ooh and ahh. (thanks to the LATIMES for the alert on that one )
MONDAY - Wish a Happy Birthday to Monica Lewinski, who turns the big 34 today. Seems like yesterday she was just a pup crawling around the West Wing on her hands and knees. They grow up fast, don't they? (thanks to Otto for handing this one over gratis)
TUESDAY -
WEDNESDAY- Alert the Bush Administration that there is currently a Taliban and al-Qaida stronghold in North Waziristan. They can then Google 'North Waziristan' to find it (lord nose I had to) and hopefully get some real bidness done. Hint: it's not in Iraq. (Thanks to Denis D. Gray of the Associated Press for pointing that out)
THURSDAY -
FRIDAY - Watch TV. Looking at the guide, I find two exceptional possibilities. First there's "The Java Channel", new to cable, offering live 24/7 coverage of web development. And I've got plenty of candy bars and Red Bull on hand, too. Then there's "Ice Fishing with the Rehab Celebrities", where contestants are trapped a fishing hut on a frozen lake with the seedy, rambling shells of former entertainers. This week's celebrities are Nick Nolte and Andy Dick. Warning: not for the squeamish. (thanks to Will for riffing with me on that one)
SATURDAY -
2007.07.15
PROGRESS REPORT
Looks like last week was the week of the progress report. Progress this and progress that. We're all looking for progress. We want progress to be made and measurable. And progressive. All kinds of progresses. For those of you not keeping score at home, let's recap this progress thing:
THE IRAQ INSURGENCY: In an interview on Larry King Live, Cheney says that the insurgency in Iraq is "in the last throes," and predicts that the fighting will end before the Bush administration leaves office.
No wait...that was June of 2005...unless he meant President JENNA Bush's administration...let's try another....
THE IRAQ INSURGENCY PLUS OTHER STUFF: In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Cheney said "We will succeed in Iraq, just like we did in Afghanistan. We will stand up a new government under an Iraqi-drafted constitution. We will defeat that insurgency, and, in fact, it will be an enormous success story."
Cheney also says that he and the boys "don't pay a lot of attention" to polls showing declining public support among Americans for the Iraq war. "The last thing you want to do is to read the latest poll and then base policy on that," he said.
Furthermore, he says that the inmates in Gitmo "are serious, deadly threats" who will "go back to trying to kill Americans" if they are released. Besides, we treat them so well over there. "They're living in the tropics. They're well fed. They've got everything they could possibly want."
And finally Cheney said he thought Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Nebraska) was wrong when he told U.S. News and World Report the White House was "disconnected from reality" about how the situation was deteriorating in Iraq.
No wait...that was June '05 too...darn...let's try another.
POSHBECK: David Beckham and his wife, Victoria entered the US through LA Thursday night. Where is Homeland Security when this kind of stuff goes down? Or the Immigration and Naturalization Service? The Border Patrol? Don't we have ANY way to stem this constant flow of aliens into this country? Besides, don't these people know that Cheney lives here?
Ok. So maybe there wasn't a lot of progress last week. Maybe this week. Just maybe....
2007.07.08
There is STILL no justice in this country when it comes to Scooter (see my 6/10 post). He'll serve no time, some Bush Rangers put together the quarter mil for the fine, and some other Rangers will find a nice cushy job for him. Or he can live off the leftovers of his defense fund for a while. A long while.
- "Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words." --George W. Bush, The Rush Limbaugh Show, 11/2/2006
- "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it." --George W. Bush, National Public Radio, 01/29/2007
- "Only a president clinically incapable of understanding that mistakes have consequences could take the action he did today." --John Edwards, 7/2/2007
Small wonder that the most commonly prescribed medications in this country are antidepressants.
2007.07.01
FROM THE EDITORS DESK People occasionally ask me, "Why is your site called Shinybait?" This isn't as easy to answer as one might expect. It involves a lengthy historical discussion of opportunities left untaken, the Rapala Minnow, inertia, the Badger Tackle Vulcan Bloody Nose Glow Spoon, hallucinatory production companies, and Miracle Whip. But now I have an easier answer. "It's because catsthatlooklikehitler was already taken."
Some things that keep me awake at night (in no particular order):
- I worry about Tony Blair's height. This week when Blair left office, W spoke thus about Blair to a reporter: "I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that." Like how big? Like a Bouvier des Flandres? Or a Portuguese Water Dog? I've never seen the man in person. I HOPE he's not that short. Bet he's bigger than Tom Cruise ...
- At some point this month, 3 billion people on the planet will be using cell phones. That's almost 1/2 the world's population. I find myself worrying that the ringtone on most of those phones will be "Buy U A Drank". Or "Sweet Home Alabama."
- A recent CNN poll says that when asked how things are going for the United States in Iraq, 69% said badly. Now I find myself worrying that there won't be enough room in the hall when other 31% gather this year at the annual Flat Earth Society convention.
- People will pay good money to see the reunited Spice Girls on stage. And listen to their computer-enhanced vocals. And why does Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham continue to appear in the news? It's just creepy.
2007.06.24
THIS WEEK IN "ARS GRATIA ARTIS"
- Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings" is now a three-hour musical with a 30ft ink-squirting tarantula and orcs invading the auditorium. Art will never be the same.
- Woody Allen will direct "Gianni Schicchi," part of Puccini's "Il Trittico." Said Woody, "I have no idea what I am doing, but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm." Opera will never be the same
- Lindsey Lohan called off her 21st birthday bash in Las Vegas, seeing as how she's in rehab. Rational Thought will never be the same.
- Michael Bloomberg switched his party status from Republican to unaffiliated . The GOP will never be the same.
- The Dick Cheney exempted his office from the presidential order establishing government-wide procedures for safeguarding classified national security information. He asserts that his office is not an "entity within the executive branch." Obviously the Halliburton logo on the entryway isn't large enough.
- Bush's approval rating has reached a record low of 26 percent, beating Jimmy Carter's low of 28 percent but still as skintch above Nixon's low of 23 percent. Nothing will ever be the same. It will only get worse.
2007.06.17
THIS WEEK IN NUMBERICAL STUFF
- 6 TO 1: Gertrude Stein once remarked about Oakland that "there isn't any there there." In a similar vein, NBC announced this week that the six-episode reality series "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America" they had planned has been truncated to an hour-long special. When it comes to the lives of Posh Spice and David Beckham, evidently there isn't enough reality there.
- 93,000,000: Current Chinese law states that children are only allowed take the surname from either their mother or father. Too few names end up getting too much use. That gives us around 93 million people in China named Wang. About 1 out of 20. The Ministry Of Public Security wants parents to be able to combine their surnames for their children, a move that could open up 1.28 million new possibilities. And probably a lot less Wangs.
- 500,000: And speaking of Ministry Of Public Security, a terrorist watch list compiled by the FBI now has over a half a million names. I'm not sure how many Wangs. Probably a lot. But the scary part is that there's now about 300 million people in the US, and that means that on average, there's 180 of these guys in Peoria. The only hope of catching them all is probably at one of their meetings. I hope someone is monitoring the local meeting halls. They can't be that hard to spot ...
It's officially Summer. Let's go have some fun.
2007.06.10
THIS WEEK IN SUMMITS AND GERIATRICS
- George "Doing Great at the G8" Bush continues his efforts to revive the Cold War. After putting Russia in a snit
with a proposed new U.S. missile defense system, he follow up with a devastating political right hook, accusing Moscow of
derailing its once-promising democratic reforms. Rumor is that W, ever the Champion of Democracy, then privately urged
Putin to put those reforms back on track by opening new detention camps, increasing the use of torture on uncharged detainees,
wiretapping Russian citizens freely and without
cause or warrant, and hijacking the next elections thru voter manipulation and fraud.
Now some pundits have claimed that W isn't warmongering at all, but trying to improve European-Russian relations. As proof, they quote him saying that "Russia's not going to attack Europe." However, with W's record on predictions (see "Iraq WMDs"), the EU is reading this as a thinly veiled warning, and they have begun sweeping out the bomb shelters and dusting off the tanks. - Former White House Aide and Minor Neocon Deity I. Lewis Libby took one for the team and was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison for perjury and obstructing in Plamegate. He should have gotten an additional year for being a 56 year old fart with the nickname "Scooter", but there's just no justice in this country I tell ya.
- And speaking of old farts, the National Safety Council says accidental deaths are up and the elderly are to blame. Thirty-five percent of motorcycle deaths in 2005 were among bikers age 45 and older, and the rate of deaths from falls for people 65 and older rose 31 percent from 1999 to 2003. Of course, they could be double dipping on those numbers. How many 65+ bikers fell off their hogs?
2007.06.03
THIS WEEK IN ADULTERY AND REALITY TV
- In his book, the adulterous Tom DeLay criticizes Newt Gingrich's moral leadership as Newt conducted an affair with a Capitol Hill employee during the 1998 impeachment trial of Bill "BJ" Clinton. DeLay sez that the difference between his own adultery and the Newtster's "is that I was no longer committing adultery by that time, the impeachment trial. There's a big difference." He added, "Also, I had returned to Christ and repented my sins by that time."
Glad we got that cleared up. It was interfering with all the sex. - Remember that this week is the season finale of "Synchronized Swimming with the B-List Celebrities." Scott Baio is clearly the popular favorite, but Lindsay Wagner, with superior sculling motion and truly innovative choreography, is the dark horse. Rumors in Tinseltown say that Scott gets a snoot-full on a flip and coughs up the title. Don't miss it.
Be careful you don't get too sexcited yourself!
2007.05.27
I had my travel agent cancel my Stockholm trip scheduled for this winter and rebooked for 2009 so I can take advantage of the opening of the ABBA museum. I can't see how anyone would want to miss this, as Ulf Westman promises that "It will be a pearl shining on [the] quay."
Congratulations to (be forewarned, these items involve gay parenting):
- Mary Cheney, the vice president's lesbian daughter, who on May 23, 2007, had her first child at Sibley Hospital in Washington, D.C. Samuel David Cheney was born at 9:46 a.m., weighing 8 lbs., 6 oz. His parents are Mary and her partner, Heather Poe. Rumor has it that the biological father is David Crosby.
- And to Carlos and Fernando, the gay flamingos, on the new addition to their family . Rumor has it that the biological father is David Crosby.
- Rod Baber for his call and text message from the top of Mount Everest. You have beshat that special magic that is the big climb, and made our world just that much more crass and unappealing
- The sparrow who crapped on W in the Rose Garden. While this in no way makes up for the way W has crapped on us for the last 6 1/2 years, it's a start.
Monday is Memorial Day. Remember the fallen. Bring the living home.
2007.05.13
THIS WEEK AT SHINYBAIT:
- Budget constraints may force Shinybait to merge and rightsize its commentary teams. If the Office for Logical Discourse (OLD) and the First Assembly Of Rational Thought (FART) do in fact merge, rest assured that the OLDFARTs still remaining here will be eager to spend many many wonderful hours spinning their amazing tales for your enjoyment.
- Thanks to the Rolling Stones for choosing an alternative Belgrade venue for their concert, thereby sparing hundreds of racehorses at the Hippodrome a potentially traumatic experience. Local hostlers are gathering up all the horse tranquilizers they had readied for the event and will present them to Keith Richards as a gesture of goodwill and thanks.
- Is there a better place for a fistfight than a Boston Pops concert? I mean. Really. Is there?
- Jammin' to the oldies just got a little more dangerous. A study revealed that iPods can cause cardiac implantable pacemakers to malfunction by interfering with the electromagnetic equipment monitoring the heart. And you thought that sudden rush was the result of Boston coming up unexpectedly in the shuffle.
- 4 MONTHS IS TOO LONG - An AP-Ipsos poll says that people think the Democratic-led Congress is doing just as badly as Bush, after just four months of bitter political standoffs with little progress on Iraq and domestic issues
- 4 MONTHS IS NOT LONG ENOUGH - While plenty of cooler heads have requested that we let the surge work for a while and look at the results in September, Lt. Gen. Raymond T. Odierno, U.S. military ops commander in Iraq, thinks that the surge needs to go through the beginning of next year "for sure".
- 1 MONTH MIGHT BE LONG ENOUGH - Washington is critical of the Iraqi government's plan for a 2 month summer vacation (as of this writing we are unable to confirm if that will coincide with George Bush's annual 2 month summer vacation). It may be shortened by at least a month, although nothing has been decided. And the Iraqis do "not take kindly of (U.S. officials) telling us when to recess."
- 45 DAYS IS EXCESSIVE - just ask Paris
- On this day in 212 B.C. the Emperor's wife, Alopecia, sent the Emperor and his sons on a hunt, and then spent a leisurely day at the Baths. It's Mother's Day. Relax and enjoy!
2007.05.06
On this day in history, Erroneous, aid to General Cantankerous, met with the Emperor Felonious. Erroneous had an idea to finally bring the War with the Gauls to an end. "All we need," he said, "is a cupla more guys. Then we'll wup 'em." Felonious quickly agreed to the request, and sent the 48th and 52nd Legions over the Alps. That effort became known as the Tulate, which is the source of the Tuscan phrase "Tulittle, Tulate."
2007.04.29
There is an Epidemic of Sanity on this crazy whirling sphere. Need proof? Of course you do, you skeptical spineless liberal. So here ya go:
- Sony is spending a half of a billion dollars on Spiderman III
- Kryptonite is real (but we'll call it Jadarite so people don't snicker)
- The Surge is 3 months old and working out "just peachy" (thanks, TH, for summing that up for me - damn fine characterization)
- Alec Holden, from Epsom, England, is a newly minted Centenarian. He attributes his longevity to chess, porridge, and remembering to breathe.
- Muqtada al-Sadr is just regular folk and doesn't want to live in a Gated Community
- Spinal Tap has reunited to join a campaign to save the world from global warming.
Let's all celebrate our continuing victory in Iraq on Tuesday 5/1 - the 4th anniversary of Mission Accomplished.
This week in History: On the First of May in 317 B. C., Frivolous, the closest advisor of Emperor Felonious, met with the Emperor's oldest friend Specious. They spent most of the day considering how to lay the blame for the recent debacle of the War with the Gauls on the doorstep of the liberal faction of the Senate. After having completed the foul plot to their satisfaction, they danced a caper around the Monolith of Mars under the Spring Moon.
Good or bad, just dance, dance, dance - feel it all around you......
. . . and just think, if Bush continues to veto war funding, eventually, the Pentagon will run out of money for the madness, and the heroes come home! Thanks, George!
Now I'm sure you'll excuse me. I have to get back to my Chicken-Plucking Factory....
Don't forget, kids --- breathe ---
2007.04.22
Politics received a sanity check this week in America. Reinforcing my belief that I do have a basic grasp of the issues, the Vermont Senate called for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, saying their actions have raised "serious questions of constitutionality." Then, W hisself attempted to clarify things for me saying, "There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." OK, so maybe I have only a passing acquaintance with political realities. Or not. I'm going to nap most of the day today and see if that helps.
On this day in 72 B.C., the Emperor Frivolous threw both caution and his toga to the winds and danced naked all day on the hills of Rome.
Come on. It's Spring. Get a little crazy.
2007.04.15
I'm ecstatic over the return of Celebrity Corpse to the headlines this week and need to go party. But before I do, my personal thanks to Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, Virgie Arthur, and especially to Donna Hogan (good luck with that book, sweetie) for making it all possible.
And my congratulations to retired Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, retired Army Gen. Jack Keane, and retired Air Force Gen. Joseph W. Ralston for turning down the Iraq/Afghanistan War Czar job. Good thinking, fellas.
And lest I forget, speaking as an OAWM, props to Snoop for his Imus observations. And good luck with that five years' probation and 800 hours of community service, Mr. Dogg.
On this day in 317 BC, the emperor Felonious, under relentless criticism from the Senate for the last 4 years of his ill-conceived and poorly executed war on the Gauls, went to seek solace in the folds of the garments of Copious, a courtesan of some note. Unfortunately, there was a dagger in those folds as well, and Felonious, wounded in both body and spirit, narrowly escaped.
Remember to think; and try doing it with your head this time.
Johnny Hart
February 18, 1931 - April 7, 2007
Rest in Peace
2007.04.08
With Spring approaching, it's time to look into some adjustments to the old wardrobe. This week, consider taking a stroll through the marketplace in search of some fresh style and killer bargains, surrounded by a hundred of your closest and highly armed friends. May you walk in the cool shade of the Apaches, under the watchful eyes of the sniper, and may your flak jacket hang lightly on your shoulders. Remember, this is just another day in paradise, and shopping (not baseball) IS the national pastime.
TODAY IN HISTORY: On this day in 43 B.C., Calamitous (see Prior Posts, 4/1) was declared cured by the Oracle of Chianti and released from the Foley Rehabilitation Facility. His wife, Vivacious, overjoyed on his return, prepared his favorite dish. Unfortunately, the goat cheese had gone beyond its time, and, as a result, Calamitous did too.
Vivacious, as heir to his fortune, lived on through the next four decades as sponsor of many of Rome's most winning and famous Gladiators.
Boys will be boys, but men are another story altogether.
2007.04.01
Phew. All this hilarity has given me a craving for some chloral hydrate, methadone, valium, Lorazepam, vitamin B12, growth hormone, SlimFast, nicotine gum, and Tamiflu. Think I'll grab me some and watch Sanjaya Malakar again on the Tivo.
TODAY IN HISTORY: On this day in 43 B.C., the Emperor's most trusted political advisor, Calamitous, was discovered in the baths in a compromising position with his aide Fabulous. Whilst most Romans expected this to be the dawning of a new age of enlightenment and freedom, Calamitous was quick to claim that the peccadillo was the result of too much wine, and immediately checked himself into rehab. This maneuver eventually became know by the name of the Roman rehabilitation facility: a Foley.
2007.03.25
Looking for proof that Spring has sprung? Here's some more Sure Signs:
- Britney is cured
- Paparazzi are throwing themselves at Keanu Reeves' car (Dude and Porsche are both fine)
- Barcodes have been identified as The Work Of The Devil by the residents of Bogolyubovo, Russia
2007.03.18
Another amazing week has passed! Let me reiterate that it's good to be alive! And for those of you who have a life, or who weren't' paying attention, let's send out our thanks and a big group hug this week to:
- Khalid Sheik Mohammed. After 4 years in secret CIA facilities, and before a military tribunal in a closed hearing, he's decided to be a stand-up guy and confess to his terrorist activities. It's about time, too.
- The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Hooray for them for pointing out that the average temperature for December to February on this quaint rock hurling thru space was the highest since they started keeping score way back in the 19th century. And the bestest part? The 10 warmest years on record have occurred since 1995. Come on people! We can do better than 10 out of 11. Road trip this summer! Fire up them SUVs!
- Don't forget to mark your calendars for Monday, the 4th anniversary of the Iraq Invasion (3/19/2003).
- And for Wednesday, 3/21, the FIRST DAY OF SPRING. Let's get the greenhouse gases flowing early this year, folks! Shoot for 11 out of 12!
- And for Friday, 3/23. On that day, in 321 BC, the emperor Felonious, after ignoring the advice of his military experts in favor of the willful opinions of his old friend Specious, launched an ill-fated attack upon the Gauls. If it wasn't for that late Spring blizzard during the crossing of the Alps, and the inadequate force assembled for the task, this attack may have altered The History Of The World As We Know It. Planning is everything.
2007.03.11
The sun's gilded chariot slides below the horizon once again; spoked wheels spinning their circumference through the mudruts of humdrum, bespattering the remnants of the week. And throughout, the Essential Horror stalks my dreams. So, this week a special thanks goes to T.S.Eliot for "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." Still can't beat the masters.
And not to be forgotten, Shiny bait offers thanks and a heartfelt tip 'o the hat to:
- Celebrity Corpse for maintaining celebrity status despite the lack of a pulse. This is the stuff legends are made of.
- Naomi Campbell for pitching in with the NYC Dept. of Sanitation and keeping those floors sparkling clean.
- Trey and Matt for going HD. Just goes to show ya what a couple of guys with some construction paper and scissors can achieve. Huzzah!
- Our neighbors in South America for extending a warm welcome to our leader.
- And finally, to W hisself, who has been voted a target of impeachment in 38 Vermont municipalities.
2007.03.04
Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I know: "There's ten thousand of these things out there already. What have you got that no one else has got?"
I would hope a compelling presentation of a unique and engaging viewpoint. But probably not. Still, I'll not let that deter me. I am strong. I am resolute. I'm creative. I have time on my hands.
Well, maybe not all that much time. But I do intend to get new material out each and every Sunday. Well, maybe not that creative. This may only run for 3 or 4 editions. Well OK, so not as resolute as I was a minute ago either. And I'd show you how strong I am, but I think I pulled something.
Anyway, I'm not to be deterred. When obstinacy becomes virtue, I will have my ticket to heaven in hand.
Welcome to the first edition of Shinybait. I hope you enjoy.
___________________
Special thanks this week to :
The broadcast news media for Continuing Celebrity Corpse Coverage
The Swiss for The Invasion of Liechtenstein.
TH for riffing on this week's dialog
Keep up the good work!